JUDGE: Do you have an attorney?
DEFENDANT: I couldn’t afford an attorney
JUDGE: Then how can you afford to pay a prostitute…..well, allegedly?
DEFENDANT: That’s my point…..I wasn’t paying
LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man…..
WITNESS: Thank you….if I weren’t under oath….I’d return the compliment
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them……the live ones put up too much of a fight
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor…..I think I need a different attorney……can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son…..the 20-year-old…..how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20……much like your IQ
ATTORNEY: Now doctor……isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep……he doesn’t know about it…..until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not….he was by the time I finished
ATTORNEY: All your responses must be oral ok?…..what school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral……
ATTORNEY: So, the date of conception of the baby was……August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at the time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said….. “Where am I Cathy?”
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan
LAWYER: Are you married?
WITNESS: No, I’m divorced
LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
WITNESS: A lot of things I didn’t know about
AND MY FAVORITE…….
(During jury selection)
JUDGE: Do you have friends/family in law enforcement or the legal fiend?
JUROR: My cousin…..is a public defender in this courthouse
JUDGE: We know him well……do you speak to him regularly?
JUROR: We actually don’t speak at all…..long story short…..he was dating my sister until they found out…..they were cousins.