THE WORLD IS FUNNY….if the government finds diamonds and oil in your backyard….it’s government property….but if they find 27 marijuana plants….it’s yours
AFTER OVERTHINKING…..about it for 6 hours…..I have decided that it’s actually….not that big of a deal
WHEN….the penalty for aborting after rape….is more severe than the penalty for rape….that’s when you know it’s a war on women
I WAS TODAY YEARS OLD…..when I learned that nap actually stands for….. “Necessary Adult Pause”….and I will forever be needing those
THE WORST PART….about kissing a perfect 10….is how cold the mirror feels on your lips
FORGET ABOUT…. “Long story short”….I’m gonna start saying…. “Short story long”….and take you on a journey you didn’t ask for
I GO ON VACATION….to relax….then walk 47,000 steps a day….like it’s a fitness retreat
YOU’VE NEVER EXPERIENCED TRUE FEAR….until your passport isn’t where you think you left it
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING……is when you get so comfortable with someone…..that you find yourself telling them things…..you have never told anyone before
I’D BE 100%…..more motivated…..if Samuel L. Jackson…..yelled at me to get things done
MICROWAVE OVENS…..be like…. “Here’s is your hot bowl of cold soup”
MENTALLY…..I’m just a corner of a fitted sheet…..that keeps popping off
THE WHOLE PURPOSE….of sending a text….is to get a reply within seconds….or minutes….otherwise, I would have sent a letter by mail
ONCE YOU ARE ABLE…..to find humor in any situation…..you’ve either reached enlightenment….or you’re just a little unhinged
UNLIMITED POWER….in the hands of limited people….always leads to cruelty…..(Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn)
WHEN I’M IN A GOOD MOOD….I go to my blocked list….and release two prisoners.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLD…..when you do housework…..to the songs you used to get drunk to
I MAY…..have the right to remain silent….but oh boy,….do I lack the ability
LADIES REMEMBER THIS…..having a husband is great….because you always have someone to gossip to….and he won’t tell anyone…..because he wasn’t listening in the first place
MY KIDS MAY HEAR ME SAY “F…K”….but they won’t hear me use a racial slur….call a human being an illegal immigrant….or make fun of someone…..for who they love or how they dress
HAVE YOU EVER LISTENED….to someone talk….and be like,….yeah, I’m glad I don’t tell you shit
DID IT ALONE….did it broke….did it tired…..did it scared….still doing it
MATURING IS……realizing your mom was right…..but she coulda used some work on her tone
AND MY FAVORITE…..
DEAR MAGA……Puerto Rico is part of the USA…..you dumbasses….just like Hawaii