…..Yeah,…..BOO…..whatever…..Halloween isn’t fun anymore…..the Governor of New Jersey banned celebrating H-day…..because of Ebola…..huh?……why not ban it because.….there are a lot of creepy people out there?…..most of you out there……think back…..and for some…..think way back…..we used to wear those plastic mask…..which were probably made with a banned chemical that will kill you now days…..we weren’t worried about that…..we were worried about walking into shit because you couldn’t see a damn thing…..and couldn’t breathe…..anyone remember trying to spit out a nasty tasting piece of candy…..and forgot you were still wearing your mask?……you would go into the kitchen…..look under the sink.….and grab the “biggest brown paper bag” you could find……because by the time you came back home…..it was going to be full…..and a few of you took two bags with you…..we didn’t really need our parents to trick or treat with us…..we went with our friends…..and we knew the people in the neighborhood…..you would walk up to the door……hoping the person wouldn’t recognize you……ring the doorbell…..Mrs. Johnson walks out.….and in unison we would all scream….. “TRICK OR TREAT”……and Mrs. Johnson would recognize every one of us…..so much for hiding behind a costume……but it didn’t matter because she would start filling our bags up with……Hershey’s Chocolate bars (plain and with nuts)…..Crunch…..Reese’s Pieces…..Butterfingers…..Tootsie Rolls (big and small)……Milky Way…..Laffy Taffy…..Mounds…..Jawbreakers……Corn Candies…..and the worst Halloween candy ever…….apples (we always chucked them because mom said there might be needles stuck in them)…..Almond Joy……M&M’s…….Twizzlers…..Mr. Goodbars……Crunch…..Snickers…..Lollipops…..Whoppers…..Milk Duds…..Raisins…..more Corn Candies…..fresh baked cookies (and those you could eat because Mrs. Williams baked you some last week)……those hard candies (you didn’t even know what it was…..but you ate it anyway)…..and some of you went into the better areas…..to get better candy……we would even swap candy with our friends…..it was fun…..it was safe…..and we had a good time…..the worst thing that would happen.….is your bag busting…..it didn’t matter…..because you found a way to shove it all in your pockets…..and then you kept on going…..this was my favorite..….my mom would say.…. “Don’t you eat any candy until you come back home”……sure mom…..as if……..and some of you didn’t play fair…..you would take your bike with you…..I wish I’d had the cameras we have now.….back then…..there were kids everywhere…..cowboys, super heroes, a princess, army men, hobos, ghost, witches, monsters…..and some of you tied a bath towel around your neck…..and when you returned home…..either because your bag was too heavy to carry or your parents told you to be home by eight…..you would dump it all on the kitchen table…..and grin like you just won the lottery……and couldn’t touch it until after you’ve eaten all of your dinner…..later, you could only eat a few pieces because mom didn’t want you to get a tummy ache……you know you snuck a few with you so you could eat them……while you pretended to be asleep…..in case you didn’t know…..Halloween is an ancient Celtic festival know as Samhain (sah-win)…….it was a celebration at the end of the harvest season….Samhain was a time used to take stock of supplies and prepare for winter…..the ancient Gaels believed that on October 31, the boundaries between the world of the living and the dead overlapped and the deceased would come back to life and cause havoc…..such as sickness and damaged crops…..masks and costumes were worn in an attempt to mimic the evil spirits or appease them…..so Happy Halloween everyone…..and if you can’t go trick or treating tonight…..then just remember when you could!
WHAT MENTAL DISORDER DO YOU HAVE?…..I laughed when I read this!…..y’all know me..…and some of you just laughed.
SETTING OFF A NUCLEAR DEVICE IN CHICAGO WILL GET YOU 30 DAYS IN JAIL PLUS $1,000 FINE…..Really?….and who is going to be around to arrest me…..and where will I be staying?
WILL WORMHOLE TRAVEL EVER BE POSSIBLE?…..How cool would that be…..that’s what they touch on in Anne and Matthew’s new movie Interstellar……my question is.….how would you be able to pinpoint exactly where you want to go…..you go through a hole……then stop…..and splat!…..meteor.….and we have no idea how “BIG” the universe really is.….the closest star to Earth….is Proxima Centauri…..(sounds like a porn star’s name huh)…..and that’s 4.22 light years away…..with the toys we have now…..it would take us 80,000 years to get there…..and these holes are thought to be highly unstable…..and an insertion of foreign matter might cause them to collapse completely…..oh great…..looking forward to spending the rest of my life in a void….hell in a wormhole…..with my luck…..I’d jump into a hole and wind-up in Hoboken, New Jersey.
BALL IRONING: COSMETIC PROCEDURE, USES LASER TO REMOVE TESTICLE WRINKLES….Ah,…..what?….I’m sitting here….and thinking about all my male friends…..and trying to figure out which one…..would let someone put a laser on his……!…..and I couldn’t come up with one name.
THREE GLASSES OF MILK A DAY CAN LEAD TO EARLY DEATH…..Well what if you add a little Vodka and Kahlùa to it?
DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME……Is a waste of time…..the only time you’re happy when it happens is…..when you set your clock back…..because you say;….. “Cool, I have another hour to sleep”…..when you set it forward you say; “Damn, I hate daylight saving time”…..so keep it when we set the hour back.….because that means another hour of sunshine during the summer.