WHEN I WAS A KID…..I had an imaginary friend…..thanks to Facebook….I have hundreds
DON’T YOU HATE IT……when people say stuff in their status…..that you didn’t want to know?…..I hat that……anyway, I gotta poop…..I’ll talk to you later
IF YOU’RE A TRUMP SUPPORTER…..you can vote….by just thinking about it
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE’S…..messy divorce…..followed by Trump death threatening Mitch McConnell……followed by Dr. Oz killing puppies…..followed by Herschel Walker fighting with his son over his abortion lie exposure……the GOP is trash TV
ANYONE….who drops a mic…..clearly hasn’t bought a mic before
HELL HATH….no fury like 167.5 million women scorned…..Roevember is coming!
MAGIC JOHNSON…..urged Michael Jackson to come to a LA Laker game…..and he reluctantly agreed……even though he didn’t think the fans…..would let him watch in peace…..(Magic Johnson)….. “He was right…..he sat down…..people went crazy.….we had to stop the game to get him out”
ME:….How much for the angry lawn Gnome?
YARD SALE LADY:….That’s my toddler
IF YOUR ELECTRIC CAR…..runs out of power…..on the interstate…..do you walk to a charging station……to get a bucket of electricity?
ENGINEERS…..make bridges…..artists make paintings…..scientists make rockets…..but teachers make them all
THERE ARE ALMOST…..5,000 Gods being worshipped by humanity…..but don’t worry……only yours is right
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT ARMING TEACHERS…..some of y’all don’t even trust them to select library books
WHEN YOUR HAPPY…..you enjoy the music…..when you’re sad…..you understand the lyrics
FRANKLIN GRAHAM…..has asked us to pray for Trump…..so here goes….. “May the gates of Hell open and swallow him……his entire family…..and every Republican who helped him…..let the Church say Amen!
A BELLY BUTTON…..is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight……with a guy in a mask…..after being evicted from your first place
EVERYTIME YOU GET DRESSED REMEMBER……if you die…..that’s your ghost outfit…..forever
AND MY FAVORITE…….
WHEN A MALE OCTOPUS…..finds a mate…..he rips off his penis…..and throws it at the female…..so she can inseminate herself…..then the male grows a new penis…..if that isn’t the most epic way to tell someone….. “Go Fuck Yourself”……I don’t know what is