EVEN A FISH CAN AVOID PROBLEMS….if it keeps its mouth shut
A WOMAN WITH A SALAD….walked past me in a restaurant and said…. “You do know that cow died so you could eat that hamburger”….I said…. “If you weren’t eating its food….it might have lived.”
IF WE MEET OFFLINE….and you look nothing like your pics….you’re buying me drinks….until you do
A PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE…..has 380 calories….a glass of red wine has 120 calories….choose wisely, friends
I BEEN TO HELL…..some crazy shit went down…..I’m not allowed to go back
THE WORSE PART ABOUT LOOSING YOUR GLASSES….is needing your glasses to find them
YOU EVER LOOK AT SOMEONE….and get a headache?
DO RACISTS CHRISTIANS….think heaven is segregated?
THE ITSY-BITSY PAYCHECK….just post to my account….down came the bills….and wiped the money out
I CAN’T BELIEVE…..I forgot to go to the gym today…..that’s 17 years in a row
NEVER APPROACH A BULL FROM THE FRONT….a horse from the rear….or an idiot from any direction
I ACTUALLY LIKE DRIVING ALONE….because I can listen to the same song 27 times in a row…..without anyone stopping me
3 THINGS TO KNOW IN LIFE….never beg anyone…..never fear anyone….never depend on anyone
SILENCE IS GOLDEN….unless you have kids….…then silence is suspicious
DEAR OPPOSERS OF PROFANITY….don’t be pissed because I can formulate an intelligent sentence….and throw a “motherfucker” in for the hell of it….learn how to juggle
I OWE THE JURASSIC PARK FRANCHISE….an apology….it is in fact very realistic the rich would reopen a park….in spite of it consistently resulting in mass death
WIFE:….I was dreaming I was at Walmart
HUSBAND:….I was dreaming I was with 3 women
WIFE:….Was I there?
HUSBAND:….No, you were at Walmart
I DIDN’T MEAN TO PUSH ALL YOUR BUTTONS….I was just looking for mute
THE AVERAGE HOSPITAL STAY….for a COVID-19 case cost $17,064….the vaccine is free
I DON’T CARE….how cool we are……do not bring anyone with you to my house
BEHIND EVERY WOMAN….is a guy staring at her ass
THOSE WHO THINK THAT THE COVID-19….vaccine will modify their DNA…..should see this as an opportunity
SOMETIMES….you have to blame yourself….for shit you go through….because you knew better
IF YOU WATCH THE FILM JAWS BACKWARDS…it’s a heartwarming story about a shark…..who gives arms and legs to disabled people
I CAN’T EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL…but I will find a song that can
I THINK WE RISK….becoming the best-informed society….that has ever died of ignorance
IF YOU NEVER NEED NOTHING….I am totally there for you
SOOOOO…..you put a mask on your child for Halloween to get candy…..but you don’t want to put a mask on them to save their lives?
WORK….is the curse of the drinking classes
ME AT 18:….this radio is playing my jam
ME AT 25:….this club is playing my jam
ME NOW:…this supermarket is playing my jam
IF A 16-YEAR-OLD WANTED TO ADOPT A CHILD….the government wouldn’t allow it….because she isn’t done with her education….she can’t financially support herself….and she isn’t a legal adult….but if she gets pregnant….the government can ban her from getting an abortion…..how is that logical?
WIFE:….honey the vacuum cleaner isn’t sucking
HUSBAND:…..frustrating isn’t it?
TIME….is always a way
JUST FOUND OUT THE NEIGHBORHOOD….had a meeting about a crazy guy on our street….it’s weird they forgot to invite me
GOOGLE….can bring you back 100,000 answers….a librarian can bring you back the right one
AS A GIRL….I just hope that….one day I have as many rights….as a gun
I CAN’T BELIEVE….I’ve lived long enough that I’m being fact checked….by 20-year-old boys….with man buns, skinny jeans and nose rings…..and don’t even know who bombed Pearl Harbor
I THINK ALCOHOL….should be served on lunch breaks every Friday by the boss….as a thank you for putting up with his shit all week
AND MY FAVORITE…..
IN THE YEAR 1140….the Weinsberg castle was captured by a German king….and he allowed all the women to leave with whatever they could carry on their backs….the quick-thinking women took their men on their backs and carried them out….the king kept his word and let the men live