STRANGE NEW TREND AT THE OFFICE….people putting names on the food in the company fridge….today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda
AMERICAN TOURIST:….Excuse me, do you speak English?
ITALIAN:….Yes, I speak ABC
IF YOU AIM AT NOTHING….you hit nothing
WOMEN:….Do men still open cars doors?
MEN:….How do you think we get inside?
NFL REFS……29
CHICAGO BEARS…..27
THE ILLITERATE….of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read or write…..but those who cannot learn, unlearn and relearn
YOU KNOW….how they throw the ball into the crowd….after they win the game?….that’s not allowed in bowling…..I know that now
I AIN’T THEM…..and they ain’t me
DON’T WORRY ABOUT TODAY….it’s already tomorrow in Australia
MOST PEOPLE ARE AT THAT AGE….where they are using their phones to document the good time in their lives….I am at that age….where I use my phone to take pictures of labels…..that I can’t read anymore….and use my phone to enlarge the print so that I can read it
THE MORE WISDOM…you obtain…..and the more conscious you become….the crazier you will appear to others
NOT ALL WOMEN….want flowers….some want a holiday to the Maldives….with unlimited prosecco
PEOPLE SAY…. “Act like an adult”….have you seen adult’s lately?….that’s horrible advice
WHEN PREPARING TO TRAVEL….lay out all your clothes and all your money…..then take half the clothes…..and twice the money
DEAR WHITE PEOPLE…..No one is asking you to apologize for your ancestors……we are asking you to dismantle the systems…..of oppression they built…..that you maintain and benefit from
I JUST THINK…..there’s some things women shouldn’t wear…..like the weight of other people’s expectations and judgements
WHICH DISEASE….that was eradicated by religion….is your favorite?
HUSBAND:…..Honey, I broke a glass in the kitchen
WIFE:….I’m coming with the broom
HUSBAND:…..It ain’t urgent….you can come on foot
THE BEST TEACHERS…..are those who show you where to look……but don’t tell you want to see
FELLAS….if the relationship fails….don’t blame her….it takes two people to mess up a relationship…..blame her and her mother
WALLS….keep everybody out…..boundaries….teach people where the door is
I DON’T CARE…..how many kids we have….I ain’t buying no van….somebody just can’t go
YOU EVER NOTICE…..the Pastor on TV will pray….and everyone faints….except the cameraman?
DUE TO PERSONAL REASONS…..I will be shining brightly and unapologetically…..for the foreseeable future
WHAT’S YOUR SEXUAL FANTASY?
ME:…..Someone throwing a million dollars on my naked body….and then leave me the fuck alone
ADMIT IT…..Life would be boring without me
APPARENTLY…..it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead…..and say “Skip Intro”….when they are talking to you
THEY NEVER WANT TO DISCUSS….what triggered you…..just how you reacted
AND MY FAVORITE…..
RAIDER NATION….. “You are always one decision away….from a totally different life”