ANY BOOK WORTH BANNING…..is a book worth reading

IF I DIED……and went straight to hell….it would take me a week….to realize I wasn’t at work anymore

AMERICANS BE LIKE…..death penalty is great…..and war is good….and I deserve to have 10 guns….but abortion is murder

NOTHING SAYS…. “Trust the science”….like asking for the data to be hidden for 75 years

IF YOU WALK THROUGH LIFE….and don’t help anybody…..you haven’t had much of a life

I’VE BEEN MARRIED TO THE SAME WOMAN….for 52 year and 7 months….I just learned that I don’t hang my towel in the bathroom correctly

WE NEED TO START…..fighting for our democracy…..like this is our last chance to save it…..because it is

I WILL NOT BREAK….but one day I will snap

THE UNITED STATES….is the most dishonest, ungodly, unspiritual nation….that ever existed….in the history of the planet

INTERVIEWER:…. “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

ME:…. “In your chair but asking better questions.”

I’M ALWAYS FORCED….to do things I’m not qualified for….like being nice to fucking idiots

WIFE:….I feel horrible….I look old, fat and ugly….I really need you to pay me a compliment

HUSBAND:…..Your eyesight is damn near perfect

911 EMERGENCY CALL…. “Hello, may I speak to Jesus….cause these folks gonna make me break at least 4 of the Ten Commandments”

SOMETIMES….you have to go broke….lose the person you thought you loved….and watch your friends turn into foes….in order to get to where you are going…..trust the process….elevation requires separation

I’M LOSING MY MIND…..but as long as I keep the part…..that tells me when I gotta pee….I should be okay

SELF-KNOWLEDGE…..has no end…..you don’t come to an achievement…..you don’t come to a conclusion…..it is an endless river

LIFE HACK:….Put booze in a cough syrup bottle and do shots at work….as a bonus….people will stay away from you…..because they think you’re sick

HAVE WE REACHED….the ultimate stage of absurdity…..where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born….while other people are not held responsible….for what they themselves are doing today?

ME AT 18:….As long as I get home before 4am……I can get up for work at 6

ME NOW:….How dare you even suggest we start a movie at 8pm?

A WISE MAN….fills his brain…..before emptying his mouth

I SAW 2 GUYS….wearing matching outfits and I asked….if they were gay?…..they arrested me

DAMN….you can learn anything on YouTube….who need their tubes tied?

MUSIC IS SO INFLUENTIAL…..on the brain….that the type you listen to…..actually has the ability….to change the way you think and look at the world

I WAS SITTING ON THE SOFA…..next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone….so I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it….so I went to check it….the sms was from my wife….telling me to…. “Bring the salt on your way back”

AND MY FAVORITE…..

BRAIN AT 3am…..Let me offer you a selection of catchy song from the past 30 years

ME:….No, we need to sleep

BRAIN….YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND RIGHT ROUND….

AND MY OTHER FAVORITE…..

IT’S….necessary to develop CRITICAL thinking skills….to understand how RACE…..is a crucial part of our shared history….and that’s not just THEORY…..it’s a fact!