March 24, 2023

GOOD MORNING, EVENING, MID-WHATEVER…..

…..I would like to introduce you to my new friends…..they’ll around….for a while….so, please say hello to…..

CUZ: When I die…..I want my epitaph to read….. “Mistakes were made”

BRO: Ah, wasn’t that on your birth certificate?

SIS: I’m worried about you?

SISTA: pouring tequila into a morning smoothie?…..why??

SUSAN: We’ve got to part

PHONE CALL: And what is the reason this time?

SUSAN: This song you added to your playlist…..there’s the name “Angela” mentioned in the second verse…..your ex-girlfriend is called Angela……you’re clearly still thinking of her…..admit it….you never loved me…..you’ve been using me all along…..liar!

PHONE CALL: Absolutely unbe-flipping-lievable

DAUGHTER: I got an A in Chem

MOM: WTF, well done.

DAUGHTER: Mom, what do you think WTF means?

MOM: Well, That’s Fantastic???

AMY…..the boy who used to bully me…..at school is still taking my money…..on the plus side…..he makes great Subway sandwiches

DAUGHTER: Mom stop…..you are not funny…..you never make jokes

MOM: I made you

CUZ: I’m luking for a gud book…..can u recommend me a gud one?

BRO: Oxford English Dictionary

MOM: Missy heard you guys are having a sleepover for Alexa on Saturday night.

DAUGHTER: Yes, we are.

MOM: Is Missy not invited?

DAUGHTER: Did Missy get an invitation?

MOM: No.

DAUGHTER: Then…..no!

SIS: My dream is to travel back in time

SISTA: Just book a ticket to Florida

BOYFRIEND: Let me come over…..we need to discuss this calmly

GIRLFRIEND: No way….let’s continue arguing by text…..if you come over….I won’t be able to keep my anger

DAUGHTER: Maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken…..maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better

MOM: And that’s why you have a younger brother

BRO: Why isn’t John working today?

CUZ: He’s in the hospital

BRO: But I saw him dancing with some chick last night

CUZ: His wife saw him too

DAUGHTER: Mom?…..what is…..normal?

MOM: It’s just a setting…..on the dryer honey

SUSAN: Where are you?

PHONE CALL: I fucked up.

SUSAN: How?

PHONE CALL: I went to India instead of Indiana

SUSAN: Just tell me you don’t love me

SON: Dad, am I adopted?

DAD: No, why the fuck would I pick you?

MOM: When are you coming home?……HELLO??…..WTF??

DAUGHTER: Mom, do you know what that means?

MOM: Yeah, are you coming home Wednesday, Thursday or Friday?

DAUGHTER: Nope, not what that means.

CUZ: Dude, me and Nic are about to go to the Giants game. Box seats, you wanna go?

BRO: Nick and I.

CUZ: What?

BRO: It’s Nick and I……Me and Nick is not proper grammar dude.

CUZ: You are right. It is Nick and I, because you are no longer invited

PHONE CALL: Hey, can you pick me up? I’m too drunk…..oh, you don’t have too anymore. I’m home now

SUSAN: Yes, I’m aware of that after dropping you off at home

CUZ: Hey Bro.

BRO: Don’t talk to me.

CUZ: Why, what did I do?

BRO: Last night you were so drunk, you got my iPad and put it in the blender.

CUZ: Really????

BRO: Yea, and said you were making apple juice

SUSAN: I’ve had enough…..you go walk the dog every night and not once have you taken me in all the years we’ve been married.

PHONE CALL: You could’ve told me long before…..I had no idea you also wanted to pee outside.

DAUGHTER: So, Mom, what does it feel like to have such a beautiful and clever daughter?

MOM: I don’t know sweetie, you better ask your grandma.

CUZ: If you stayed alone in a dark room for an hour…..what would you do?

BRO: I’d look for the light switch

SUSAN: Why am I sensing your indifference?

PHONE CALL: Maybe because it’s 3 am right now?

SUSAN: So what?….you don’t love me at 3 am?

MOM: You’re too young to be in love…..let me remind you when Romeo and Juliet met…..Romeo was 16 and Juliet was 13

DAUGHTER: Ah Mom…..six people died, and it lasted three days

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