…..I would like to introduce you to my new friends…..they’ll around….for a while….so, please say hello to…..
CUZ: When I die…..I want my epitaph to read….. “Mistakes were made”
BRO: Ah, wasn’t that on your birth certificate?
SIS: I’m worried about you?
SISTA: pouring tequila into a morning smoothie?…..why??
SUSAN: We’ve got to part
PHONE CALL: And what is the reason this time?
SUSAN: This song you added to your playlist…..there’s the name “Angela” mentioned in the second verse…..your ex-girlfriend is called Angela……you’re clearly still thinking of her…..admit it….you never loved me…..you’ve been using me all along…..liar!
PHONE CALL: Absolutely unbe-flipping-lievable
DAUGHTER: I got an A in Chem
MOM: WTF, well done.
DAUGHTER: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
MOM: Well, That’s Fantastic???
AMY…..the boy who used to bully me…..at school is still taking my money…..on the plus side…..he makes great Subway sandwiches
DAUGHTER: Mom stop…..you are not funny…..you never make jokes
MOM: I made you
CUZ: I’m luking for a gud book…..can u recommend me a gud one?
BRO: Oxford English Dictionary
MOM: Missy heard you guys are having a sleepover for Alexa on Saturday night.
DAUGHTER: Yes, we are.
MOM: Is Missy not invited?
DAUGHTER: Did Missy get an invitation?
MOM: No.
DAUGHTER: Then…..no!
SIS: My dream is to travel back in time
SISTA: Just book a ticket to Florida
BOYFRIEND: Let me come over…..we need to discuss this calmly
GIRLFRIEND: No way….let’s continue arguing by text…..if you come over….I won’t be able to keep my anger
DAUGHTER: Maybe it’s not always about trying to fix something broken…..maybe it’s about starting over and creating something better
MOM: And that’s why you have a younger brother
BRO: Why isn’t John working today?
CUZ: He’s in the hospital
BRO: But I saw him dancing with some chick last night
CUZ: His wife saw him too
DAUGHTER: Mom?…..what is…..normal?
MOM: It’s just a setting…..on the dryer honey
SUSAN: Where are you?
PHONE CALL: I fucked up.
SUSAN: How?
PHONE CALL: I went to India instead of Indiana
SUSAN: Just tell me you don’t love me
SON: Dad, am I adopted?
DAD: No, why the fuck would I pick you?
MOM: When are you coming home?……HELLO??…..WTF??
DAUGHTER: Mom, do you know what that means?
MOM: Yeah, are you coming home Wednesday, Thursday or Friday?
DAUGHTER: Nope, not what that means.
CUZ: Dude, me and Nic are about to go to the Giants game. Box seats, you wanna go?
BRO: Nick and I.
CUZ: What?
BRO: It’s Nick and I……Me and Nick is not proper grammar dude.
CUZ: You are right. It is Nick and I, because you are no longer invited
PHONE CALL: Hey, can you pick me up? I’m too drunk…..oh, you don’t have too anymore. I’m home now
SUSAN: Yes, I’m aware of that after dropping you off at home
CUZ: Hey Bro.
BRO: Don’t talk to me.
CUZ: Why, what did I do?
BRO: Last night you were so drunk, you got my iPad and put it in the blender.
CUZ: Really????
BRO: Yea, and said you were making apple juice
SUSAN: I’ve had enough…..you go walk the dog every night and not once have you taken me in all the years we’ve been married.
PHONE CALL: You could’ve told me long before…..I had no idea you also wanted to pee outside.
DAUGHTER: So, Mom, what does it feel like to have such a beautiful and clever daughter?
MOM: I don’t know sweetie, you better ask your grandma.
CUZ: If you stayed alone in a dark room for an hour…..what would you do?
BRO: I’d look for the light switch
SUSAN: Why am I sensing your indifference?
PHONE CALL: Maybe because it’s 3 am right now?
SUSAN: So what?….you don’t love me at 3 am?
MOM: You’re too young to be in love…..let me remind you when Romeo and Juliet met…..Romeo was 16 and Juliet was 13
DAUGHTER: Ah Mom…..six people died, and it lasted three days