I WAS THROWN OUT…..of the break room of my Walmart yesterday…..they asked me what I was doing there…..I told them I was on my break…..they said you don’t work here….I said I’d just finished using the self-checkout so clearly I do
WHAT IF….instead of relying on children to be resilient…..we create a world that is less traumatic?
I’M NOT…..the type of person you gotta block…..I ain’t gonna call you anyway
IT’S NOT OUR DIFFERENCES……that divide us…:.it is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences
MY FAVORITE MACHINE…..at the gym…..is the one where you put change in….and the snacks come out
A WOMAN’S MOVIE REVIEW OF THE FILM ALIEN…..Alien is a movie where nobody listens to the smart woman……and they all die except for the smart woman…..and her cat…..Four stars!
SIP SLIP:…..when you mean to take a sip of your wine…..and accidentally down the whole glass
AFTER A TEACHER TOLD HER STUDENTS WHAT THEY SHOULD DO IF A SHOOTER ENTERS THE CLASSROOM…..SHE WAS STUNNED BY THEIR RESPONSE…..
TEACHER:……Being in a wheelchair, I will not be able to protect you the way an able-bodied teacher will…..and if there is a chance for you to escape…..I want you to go…..don’t worry about me…..your safety is my number one priority…..slowly, quietly as the words sunk in…..
STUDENT:….Mrs. Schimmoeller, we already talked about it.….if anything happens…..we are going to carry you.
I OWE MYSELF…..the biggest apology…..for putting up with what I didn’t deserve
THE NEXT TIME YOU ARE ASKED TO PLAY FOR FREE:
AD:…..We are a small & casual restaurant downtown and we are looking for solo musicians to play in our restaurant to promote their work and sell their CD’s…..this is not a daily job…..but only for special events which will turn into a nightly event if we get a positive response…..more jazz, rock & smooth type music around the world and mixed cultural music…..are you interested in promoting your work?…..please reply back ASAP
A MUSICIAN’S REPLY:….Happy New Year…..I am a musician looking for a restaurant to come to my house to promote his/her restaurant by making dinner for me and my friends…..this is not a daily job…..but only for special events which will eventually turn into a nightly event.….if we get a positive response…..more fine dining & exotic meals and mixed Ethnic fusion cuisine…..are you interested to promote your restaurant?…..please reply back ASAP
FOX NEWS…..doesn’t want to show the January 6th hearings…..for the same reason that…..Jeffery Dahmer wouldn’t host a cooking show
WIFE:…..Now that we’re married…..you can get rid of your vinyl record collection
HUSBAND:…..You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife
WIFE:….I didn’t know you were married before
HUSBAND:….I wasn’t
LAUNDRY…..Washing.….30 minutes……Drying…..60 minutes.….Putting Away…..7 to 10 business days
WHY DO REPUBLICANS HATE DR. FAUCI…..when the worst thing he ever did…..was try to keep them alive?
EXPERIENCE…..is the hardest kind of teacher…..it gives you the test first…..and the lesson afterwards
HOW I APOLOGIZE TO PEOPLE…..I’m sorry that your terrible behavior caused me to act out of character…..you should work on that
HOW IS IT…..that you can sue Walmart if you fall…..McDonald’s if you get fat…..but not Budweiser…..for all the ugly people you slept with?
AND MY FAVORITE……
An old man crashed his car into a very expensive automobile…..the owner of the expensive automobile jumps out, confronts the old man and says,….. “Give me $10,000 cash or I’ll beat you to a pulp”…..the old man replies….. “Woah wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”……the old man dial his son and as he is about to speak…..the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says…… “So you train dolphins, well your old man hit and damaged my car, you bring my $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him and you!”…..the son answers….. “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”…..in exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a jeep…..ten men jump out and beat the heck out of the expensive car owner…..meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says….. “Dad, I train Navy Seals…..not dolphins.”