PAST BEHAVIOR IS THE PREDICTOR OF FUTURE PERFORMANCES…..Read that again.
I GUESS…..we should retire the expression….. “Avoid it like the plague”…..given how little effort people put into avoiding….an actual plague
I AM….what I am….I’m not what you think I should be….or what you want me to be….I’m just me
I REFUSE….to hate police officers….I refuse to hate Black people….I refuse to hate Gay people….I refuse to hate people….I refuse to hate….except The Red Sox….I hate the Red Sox
RESPONSE TO CRITICAL RACE THEORY…. “A majority of white Americans desire to be free of a past they do not want to remember….while Black Americans remain bound to a past they can never forget
FACEBOOK…..needs a “Why you lying?” button
WHY IS IT….you can get arrested for leaving a dog out in cold winter weather….but it’s ok for homeless people to sleep in it?
FRIENDS….with no kids be like…. “You wanna go to Africa this Sunday?”
COFFEE…..helps me play nice with others
WE ALL HAVE OUR TIME MACHINES…..don’t we?….those that take us back are memories….and those that carry us forward….are dreams
A GROUP OF ENGINEERING STUDENTS…..and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday….once on the plane, the Captain announced that they were on the plane the students built….everyone freaked out and rushed off the plane….except for the teacher who stayed calm….when the flight attendant asked why he hadn’t left….he responded;….. “I know the abilities of my students….this shit won’t even start.”
QUIT THINKING…..you are all that….you ain’t even all there
I DON’T CARE….what I accepted in the past….I am not accepting that shit now
IF THE JEWS…..had been living in Egypt for centuries as slaves….surely they would’ve noticed the pyramids and the Sphinx?…..strangely, neither of these great architectural wonders of the world….are mentioned even “ONCE” in the Old Testament
AYEEEEEE….all my Gemini’s….please check into a mental hospital
FRIEND:…. “How did I know that’s that…would not be that’s that?”
OTHER FRIEND:…It’s never that!
DEAR COVID…..this is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
MY GIRLFRIEND DRESSED UP AS A POLICEWOMAN…..and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…..after 2 minutes….all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
YOU CAN ONLY SAY…. “WTF?”….so many times a day…..until you decide to start drinking
BOYFRIEND:….Has anyone told you you’re beautiful today?
GIRLFRIEND:…..No
BOYFRIEND:….Well there’s always tomorrow
THERAPY IS NICE….but screaming “FUCK!”…..at the top of your lungs for 10 seconds….is a lot faster and cheaper
IF I DON’T…..answer the phone….do not re-call me….because I will re-not answer
COP:…..Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:….If you forgot I’m not reminding you
IF DARTH VADER….can destroy galaxies in a mask….you can shop in one for 20 minutes
DEFINITELY MY FAVORITE…..
THE SHITS!…..the most functional English word is shit….you can smoke shit, get shit faced, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, tell people to eat shit, forget shit, some people know their shit and some have shit for brains, there’s crazy shit, there’s bullshit, horse shit, chicken shit, deep shit, and not enough shit, weird shit, the wrong shit, the right shit, scary shit, up shit creek without a paddle, and sometimes everything you touch turns to shit…..you could pass this on if you give a shit or not if you don’t give a shit….hope you have a shit free week….but remember….shit happens!