…..my titties have been itching…..I mean like rubbing and scratching and getting on your nerves itchy…..sleeping at night..….itchy……cooking breakfast…..itchy……watching TV……itchy……shopping in a supermarket……itchy…..but I turn towards the veggies……so that the other shoppers don’t see me itching…..wouldn’t want them to think I have some weird……lettuce fetish…..Nicole looking at me do my worst impression of a chimpanzee…..with a WTF is wrong with this idiot look on her face…..itchy……and I have no idea why…..Nicole said maybe my breast are probably growing….ok,…..what the hell do I know…..first time for everything right?…..so don’t be surprised if you see me walking around the next few months…..wearing a training bra…..anyway,…..
STUFF I REALLY DON’T CARE ABOUT…..
ARMED MAN ARRESTED…..after declaring Trump “President King” at a Dairy Queen…..I really don’t care…..
KING CHARLES & QUEEN CONSORT CAMILA’S……alleged love child is applying for a DNA test…..I really don’t care…..
ARMENIA AND AZERBAIJAN…..start a border war…..I have no idea where either country is…..if you want me to spell them.….I stop after A..….and if I met someone from either country…..it was in a bar in a country I don’t remember being in….. and I was too drunk to remember…..and no..….I really don’t care…..
TRUMP…..just held a shady meeting on his golf course where no one was golfing..….I really don’t care……just get your shit together and throw him…..and all his cohorts…..in prison ok?…..and none of them had golf clubs with them……at least when The Sopranos gangsters met on a golf course……they had clubs.
GISELE BÜNDCHEN AND TOM BRADY…..are living separately……I really don’t care….
FOX NEWS…..cuts away from press conference announcing lawsuits against the Trump family……I really don’t care…..
McDONALD’S…..to close for the Queen’s funeral on Monday……I really don’t care…..
LOUISIANA…..woman carrying unviable fetus was forced to travel to New York for an abortion…..that’s just plain fucking sick…..
SWEDEN’S PM….will resign after right-wing bloc wins election….Now that I care about
POLIO IS SPREADING IN THE US FOR THE 1st TIME IN DECADES……Oh give me a freakin’ break……Aids……COVID……Monkeypox……a new Coronavirus has been found in bats……and now this shit again?……I thought we had that under control……years ago…..globally!…..screw this…..I’m never going outside again…..it’s too dangerous.
FLIGHTS ABROAD SELL OUT, STOCKS PLUNGE ON PUTIN’S “PARTIAL” MOBILIZATION……Man, you should see the pictures of people at the airports…..they are seriously getting the hell out of Dodge……Putin realizes he getting the shit kicked out of him in the Ukraine…..so he came up with the idea…..to mobilize 300,000 new bodies to sacrifice.….so far, more than 1,300 people have been arrested in protest against this idea..….government offices in Russia have been set on fire with Molotov cocktails……and some of the arrested protesters have been immediately drafted into the armed forces…….you want to know how fast people are trying to get the hell out of Russia?……there was a six mile traffic jam at Russia’s Georgia border…..and he also threw in the possibility to launch a few nukes…..just in case his war goes more down the toilet…..and a lot of people in Russia said…..oh hell no…..and are booking flights out of the country…..and a more than likely very drunk off of a lot of vodka……retired Russian general burped this idea out…..or farted it out of his mouth….. “It’s time for a nuclear attack on Germany and Britain”…..someone wanna tell me what they would gain……by implicating such a stupid idea?…..is this dude too wasted to realize….if you nuke something…..there ain’t shit left to utilize?…..nothing!……unless you want to start a cockroach farm.
FDA WARNS AGAINST COOKING CHICKEN IN NYQUIL……Number one…..that’s the Food and Drug Administration…..their job is to make sure whatever we choose to put in our bodies…..food, drug wise…..is safe to ingest…..number two…..NyQuil…..is something you drink before you go to bed…..when you’re dealing with a cold or a fever…..or if you’re in college and you want to get high..….because you ran out of weed money……and number three…..say what you want…..but the art of frying chicken…..has been perfected by Black folks…..so, Black folks…..how many of y’all have fried your chicken…..in NyQuil?…..and if you decided to try this idea…..how long do you think your life expectancy would be…..before a relative killed you?…..yeah, thought so!……it’s a cooking challenge called….. “Sleepy Chicken.”……and we have another tik-tak-tok whatever…..Twitter challenge going around the world.
AND OFF TO THE WORLD OF THE STUPID…..
Marital drama ensues after a husband finds out his wife tricked him into eating her food by saying it was sent by his mom
A Houston, Texas mom chases and threatens a 12-year-old boy after her son was tackled by him during a football game
North Korea is invited to the Queen’s funeral
Pet kangaroo in Australia kills his owner and stops paramedics from saving him
A man was struck by lightning while playing with his Playstation in his living room
Parents refused to pay a 15-year-old after babysitting 7 kids for 9 hours
A woman found out over Facebook that the man she had been married to for 25 years had a secret family
A University of Utah student was arrested in an alleged threat to detonate the school’s nuclear reactor if the football team lost
A French policewoman with a Kardashian butt has people begging to be arrested by her