ANOTHER DAY HAS PASSED….and I still haven’t used….(a+b)2 (equals) a2 + 2ab+b2
DATING ME….is going to stress you out….because I laugh during arguments
IN THE SOUTH…..if you hear someone say “bless your heart”…..that’s southern slang for…. “I’m praying for you”…or…. “you are dumb as hell”
YOU CAN MARRY….your first cousin….in more states…..than you can buy recreational weed
YESTERDAY….I wore something from 5 years ago…..and it fit….I’m so proud of myself….it was a pair of socks….but still…..let’s be positive here
BEDTIME STORY….
There once was a boy who didn’t want to eat his soup
He starved to death
The End
MY HUSBAND AND I….assumed we would have kids….a dog changed our minds
WE DIDN’T….ask for a lighter….we flicked an invisible one….until someone handed us one
NOTHING STARTS MY DAY OFF….quite like when I give inspirational messages to my friends, so….may your day go fast….your socks match….and your underwear not ride up your ass
IMAGINE….listening to a love song….and no one comes to your mind…..that’s the final stage of being completely single
SOMETIMES…..a song really gets me hyped….while I’m driving and then I realize….I’m going 95…..and chill
I CARE….but IDGAF…..don’t ask me how this works….it just does
WHY HIM?….because even after countless mood swings….my crazy demands….and my stupid arguments….he never gives up on me
DEAR COLLEGE STUDENTS….keep smiling in those graduation photos….because nothing is going to be funny in a minute
IF A BAG….is not resealable….then it contains one serving…..I don’t make the rules
ONE DAY….some guy is going to see me…..eating a whole rotisserie chicken with my bare hands….in a parking lot and think….. “That’s her….she’s the one.”
DON’T USE BIG WORDS….when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression….will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity
I FINALLY GOT….eight hours of sleep….it took three days….but whatever
NOTHING….makes me more productive….than the last minute
WHEN I SEE….lover’s names carved in a tree….I don’t think it’s sweet….I just think it’s surprising…..how many people bring knives on a date
NEVER BE SAD….on a weekend….cry during business hours….and get paid for depression…..don’t let capitalism win
FEEL FREE….to mock my lack of belief in any gods….it won’t hurt my feelings….it won’t damage my faith in reason….and I won’t kill you for it
A LOVE STORY…..
If she loves me….she will text me….he thought
She thought the same
The End
PEOPLE WHO SAY…. “Men don’t start drama”…..have obviously never read or learned about world history
I HATE WHEN….people say it’s a quarter till 9pm….man, just say it’s 8:75pm
ALL PAPER…is toilet paper….if you’re desperate enough
MY MOM….still does all that she can for us….and we’re grown….I love and appreciate you mom
AND MY FAVORITE…..
AND I’D CHOOSE YOU…..in a hundred lifetimes….in a hundred worlds….in any version of reality….I’d find you…..and I’d choose you