COOKING TOGETHER…..is not romantic…..you in my way

I JUST BURNED……1200 calories….I forgot the pizza in the oven

(Sign in a store)…..WE ACCEPT….. Cash….credit…..debit….gold….uranium….goats…..’shrooms….goats on ‘shrooms

CO-WORKERS…..are like Christmas lights…..they hang together…..half of them don’t work…..and the other half aren’t so bright

AFTER IGNORING YOU….for 20 minutes….you’d be surprised how quickly employees at home improvement stores….assist you when you try to start a chainsaw

I DON’T HAVE…..a Facebook or Twitter account…..I just go around announcing out loud….what I’m doing at random times…..I have three followers so far……but I think two of them are cops

TEACH OUR KIDS….Critical Thinking….so they don’t elect sociopathic imbeciles

HAVE YOU NOTICED…..that racists, religious extremists…..bigots and white supremacists….all align themselves…..with the Republican Party?

THE WORLD IS GETTING TOO SENSITIVE…..soon I won’t be able to make fun of myself…..without people getting offended

I’VE BEEN…..alive 60 years…..and still haven’t found the right thing to say….when someone knocks on the door….of the public bathroom I’m in

I’M NOT A DIETITIAN….but if you eat pizza exactly at midnight….your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards…..yesterday or today….so they don’t count

HOW AM I SUPPOSE…..to save when my bills….cost the same amount as my check?

I AM AT THE POINT…..in my life….where I don’t even know the point I’m at….but I’m at a point

WALMART…..is giving away free Christmas trees…..as long as you can outrun security

I’VE DECIDED…..to be fully delusional this year…..and see where that takes me…..because being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for

I NO LONGER….get up to investigate strange noises….it’s whatever

I’M NOT SAYING….I’m old….I’m just saying that…..my dinner time and bed time….are getting dangerously close to each other

WE ALL AGREE…..that laundry washing day…..and laundry putting away day….are not the same day right?

THERE SHOULD…..be a calorie refund…..for things that didn’t taste as good as you expected

YOUR RELIGION….does not prohibit me from anything….it prohibits you….learn the difference

I’M ASKING FOR THE LAST TIME…..what is the letter “K”…..doing in the word “Knife?”

RELAX…..nothing will be ok

NEVER TRUST A PERSON…..who’s name starts with….. “abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz”

SO “IN THE AIR TONIGHT”…..by Phil Collins came on a few minutes ago at work…..and I was the only person…..who did the air drum solo….I don’t wanna work here anymore….I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

ANYONE HERE….good at math?….I need help splitting $14…..between 39 people for Christmas

I HATE…..when old people say tattoos are a waste of money….like, okay Karen….you have a cabinet of expensive plates…..people aren’t allow to use

AND MY FAVORITE…..

THE MEANING OF LIFE….is to just be alive….it is so plain and so obvious and so simple….and yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic….as if it were necessary….to achieve something beyond themselves