BEING A WOMAN…..is a terribly difficult task….since it consists…..principally in dealing with men
MY SCHEDULE FOR TOMORROW:
- Wake up
- Cry
- Get that money
WHITE PEOPLE…..removing non-White people….without due process….is how America was founded
MY NEIGHBOR….called the police on me….for playing Prince music too loudly…..the police arrested my neighbor
Y’ALL….ever meet someone who wears glasses…..and still can’t see?
12 YEARS AGO TODAY….my friend Dave….came running and screaming…. “IT’S A BOY!!!” …..with tears running down his face….we never went back to Thailand again
IF ANY OF YOU….non-rich people want to go….into space for 10 minutes…..I know a good brownie recipe
HONESTLY….some people don’t deserve to meet my dog
YOUR ENEMY….is not the refugee….your enemy…..is the one who made him a refugee
HAVE YOU EVER…..been in one of those moods….where you really don’t know what’s wrong….but you feel really irritated….with everyone and everything?
I’M SORRY….but gentle parenting….is for gentle kids….I got gangsters
THANKS FOR BEING…..friends with me….questionable life choice….but I appreciate it
IF YOU’RE CREMATED…..after you die…..you can be put into an hourglass…..and continue to participate in family game night
TODAY…..let’s just take it one WTF at a time
DATING WHEN YOU’RE OLDER…..is like finding a shopping cart….with good wheels a Walmart
YOU CAN’T ALWAYS…..control who walks into your life……but you can control…..which window to throw them out of
I HAVE LEGITIMATELY…..taken a dump….that took longer than…..how long Katy Perry was in space
WHEN THE WORLD….is about to end…..I hope I know in advance….so I can stop doing laundry
IF YOU SEE A BLONDE WHITE WOMAN….wearing a cross on Fox News….you know you’re about to hear the most….anti-Jesus shit….you’ve ever heard in your life
HAVING….someone you can call crying….and end up laughing….is a true blessing
BEING UP…at 4am is so normal to me….now I speak bird fluently
AND MY FAVORITE…..
SOMEHOW….the future is going to be….a dystopian techno sci-fi hellscape….AND….we’re gonna have coal and measles…..and robber barons….and a permanent underclass.