BE KIND…..to all kinds
TESLA CARS CAN NOW DIAGNOSE THEMSELVES……and pre-order parts if needed…..now imagine checking your bank account to find out.…..your car ordered itself new tires…..a paint job…..and is paying child support…..to a Chevy Volt
IF YOU DON’T…..use fast food napkins as Kleenex in your car……you must be in a whole different tax bracket
EVERYDAY AT WORK…..I worry that I’m going to yell….. “Shut the fuck up” out loud…..instead of in my head
LAZY HUSBAND: What’s for dinner?
WIFE: Nothing
LAZY HUSBAND: You said that last night
WIFE: I made enough for two nights
YES “HIPPIE”…..can mean you were a free spirit……from 1965 to 1975……it can also mean you love life……believe in peace, love and music…..at any age
PEOPLE BE SCARED TO SAY STUFF….but I’m not…..that’s why I only got……3 friends
IF A COMPANY……is always hiring…..it means they are also……always firing
I FOUND THAT I HAVE BEEN HAPPIER……since I changed from coffee in the morning…..to orange juice…..my doctor explained that it’s the natural vitamin C……and natural sugars…..but I really think it’s the vodka
WITHOUT……freedom of speech…..we would not know…..who the idiots are
GRAMMY AWARDS AFTER PARTY…..
Lady Gaga: Excuse me, can I have another glass of wine?
“I’m Ed Sheeran”
Lady Gaga: Ok Ed, can you get me another glass of wine
A WISE MAN…..fills his brain…..before emptying his mouth
FRIEND: what’s an orgasm?
OTHER FRIEND: it’s when you fold paper to look like birds
FRIEND: no, that’s oregano
PEOPLE IN THERAPY……are often in therapy…..to deal with the people in their lives…..who won’t go to therapy
TONIGHT ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES…….we investigate……how I got a 30 day ban…..for posting something on Facebook……that I found on Facebook
LORD…..I donate all of my fake friends…..as burnt offerings
ANY RELIGION…..that tells you to love your enemies……was created by your enemies
WHEN YOU REACH…..the end of what you should know…..you will be at the beginning…..of what you should sense
IF YOU LOVE ME…..I’ll always be in your heart…..if you hate me…..I’ll always be in your mind
AH, THE 70’s……when a kid would blow out their birthday candles……over the top of an ashtray……a foot away from an open beer……while someone held a lit cigar next to their face
DON’T UNDERSTIMATE ME…..I can go from lady……to crazy in two seconds
DEAR AMERICA…..didn’t you read my books?……sincerely, George Orwell
PEOPLE: How much faith do you have in the human race?
ME: I look both ways on a one-way street
A WISE MAN WAS ASKED……what is anger?…..he gave a beautiful answer…… “It is a punishment you give to yourself…..for somebody else’s mistakes”
YOU EVER BEEN CRAZY…..about someone back in the day……and you see them now and you’re like….. “Glad I missed that ship”
AND MY FAVORITE……
PROHIBITION AGENT IZZY EINSTEIN……bragged that he could find liquor in any city in under 30 minutes……in Chicago it took him 21 minutes…..in Atlanta 17…..and Pittsburgh just 11…..but New Orleans set the record…..35 seconds…..Einstein asked his taxi driver where to get a drink……and the taxi driver handed him one