DUE TO…..freezing temperatures….schools are advising parents to wear…..2 pair of pajamas when picking kids up…..thank you

NETFLIX….needs to stop asking if I’m still watching…..and start asking if I moved the laundry….to the dryer yet

THE ENTIRE….basis of Christianity is…..God impregnating a teenager…..without her consent….for the actual purpose….of killing his own child

PERSONALLY,…..I really want to enjoy life this year….no more survival mode

GOING FROM OBAMA TO TRUMP…..is like going to a nice restaurant…..finding it closed….and being forced to eat….an old mayonnaise packet from your car instead

I WAS WATCHING….a show called…. “10 Steps To Avoiding a Shark Attack”….and I was surprised that…. “Stay Out of the Water”….wasn’t step #1

DUE TO PERSONAL REASONS….I’m going to be posting memes….instead of getting professional help again this year

BEFORE YOU MARRY A PERSON…..you should make them use a computer….with slow internet service….to see who they really are

DEAR TEXAS….If you’re really obsessed with going back in time….then return your state back to Mexico

MY MOUTH….has no filter…..if you’re going to say stupid shit….I’m going to say some shit right back

I THINK….the worse time to have a heart attack….is during a game of charades

MY GRANDMA….is going around telling people I fix phones….just because I took her phone off silent

WE SHOULD HAVE….a national quiet day….where everyone shuts up for 24 hours

I SENT THAT…Ancestry site some information on my family tree….they sent me back a pack of seeds….and suggested that I start over

IN REALITY…..a belly button is basically a scar….from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask….after being evicted from your first place

THIS TOO SHALL PASS….and then some other bullshit….will come and take its place….it never freakin’ ends

2024: School will be closed due to high winds

1983: Tornado happening….go into the hall and put a book on your head….also we are having pizza for lunch

DEAR PARANOID PEOPLE…..who check behind the shower curtain for murders….what exactly is the plan…..when you find one?

IF AT FIRST….you don’t succeed…..then skydiving is not for you

SOMETIMES….you may feel like…..there’s no one there for you….but you know who’s always there for you?…..laundry…..laundry will always be there for you

I USED TO THINK…..our parents were so strict….but watching these kids today…..I think they saved our lives

SOMEDAYS…..I amaze myself…..other days….I put the laundry in the oven

AS I WATCHED….a dog chasing his tail….I thought dogs are easily amused…..then I realized….I was watching a dog chase his tail

AND MY FAVORITE…..

I MAY BE OLD….but I got to see the world….before it went to shit