….Well they can stop singing Happy Birthday!
WHO INVENTED CLOTHES?….Probably the fool running around butt-naked in the dead of winter.
CHICAGO MAN BREAKS RECORD FOR WORLD’S LONGEST FERRIS WHEEL RIDE…..That man really needs a day job.
TOURIST PROTEST PAYING $21 DOLLARS FOR ICE CREAM IN ROME….Protest?….are you kidding me?…..what is there to protest?…..and it better not be the joint next to the Pantheon because I like their ice cream.
PASSENGERS KICKED OFF OF VEGAS FLIGHT FOR SPEAKING RUSSIAN…..Ok,…..this paranoia thing is really starting to get out of hand…..I walk down a block in Hamburg and I will probably hear 20 different languages.
POPE: THE MAFIA SHOULD REPENT….Yeah right….as if that’s gonna happen.
TWO WAYS TO DRINK….Sip…Guzzle or Gulp?….wouldn’t that be a cool name for a law firm?…. “Hello, my name is Henry Wogboggle and my firm, Sip, Guzzle and Gulp will be representing you in court today.”
ATHEIST HOTLINE WILL OFFER ANSWERS TO THOSE QUESTIONING RELIGION….Well what is there to question if you’re an Atheist?
HOW TO NAVIGATE A SHOPPING MALL FOOD COURT IN THAILAND….Since they found over 100 dog skulls in the garbage yesterday, I think I’ll pass.
HOW “LIMP NOODLE” LIZARD SWIMS THROUGH SAND….Didn’t “Limp Noodle” mean something different a while ago?
WHY TIPPING SHOULD BE OUTLAWED….When you have to work in a bar, cafe or restaurant in order to survive….then explain it to me ok?
MILEY CYRUS HAS LARYNGITIS….Yeah and I have a hangover…..who cares?
RICHARD WOODS, WHO WAS CONVICTED OF MURDER ON THE STRENGTH OF 6 EYE-BLINKS WAS SENTENCED TO 36 YEARS….So you’re telling me if I walk down the street, see an attractive woman, blink at her 6 times – I will be convicted of murder?…..man I should’ve been in jail years ago!
DRIVER SAYS HE WAS SPEEDING SO HE COULD DRY HIS CAR….I have to use that one the next time a cop pulls me over.
REVELERS THROW DEAD RATS AT EACH OTHER AS PART OF BIZARRE SPANISH FESTIVAL….Oh what?….you’re surprised?….they run in front of charging bulls!
YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION?…..Nope!….Prince and The Beatles did!
RIHANNA WENT TO AMSTERDAM….And I bet it wasn’t because she wanted to see the Anne Frank Museum.
YOUR MIDDAY DIVERSION….A Philly Cheesesteak and two beers works for me.
WEINER PULLS AHEAD IN MAYORAL PRIMARY….Isn’t it nice to know if he wins and nothing changes the towns people can say they elected a “Dick” to be their mayor.
TIGER WOODS HOPES ELBOW WILL BE GOOD ENOUGH TO PLAY IN THE BRITISH OPEN….Now y’all know I could say something as to why Tiger’s “Elbow” hurts since he kicked Lindsey to the curb…..but I won’t.
STRIKE! WHY HUMANS CAN OUT-THROW EVERY OTHER SPECIES ON EARTH….Hummm…maybe because it’s hard to grip a ball with a paw or a wing or a fin?…..who are these idiots who come up with this stuff?
NSA COLLECTED AMERICANS E-MAIL RECORDS IN BULK FOR TWO YEARS UNDER OBAMA….What did Prince say?….2,000 zero zero party over..…out of time….so tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 19….84!
TEEN FACES 8 YEARS IN PRISON FOR MAKING TERRIFYING FACEBOOK JOKE…..Now he said he was going to shoot up a school and eat the heart of the ones who were dying….it was meant as a joke….the Police called it a “Terrorist Threat”….I call it a “Thought Crime”….nice to know we can be arrested for simply thinking it!
QUEEN ELIZABETH GETS A FIVE PERCENT PAY RAISE….Why?….the woman doesn’t even have a job!….I never saw her flippin’ burgers.
GERARD STREATOR PLEADS GUILTY TO HAVING SEX WITH A COUCH….And they have a name for it… “Furniture Fornication.”
SPAIN’S EX-TREASURER JAILED FOR CORRUPTION….At least now I know why that country is broke!
SPIDER CAUSES WOMAN TO RUN DOWN TWO PEOPLE IN PARKING LOT….That must’ve been one very big spider!
WOMAN’S BREAST IMPLANT EXPLODES AFTER PLAYING GAMES FOR FOUR HOURS ON HER iPHONE…..That had to be one hell of a game…..ugh, the mess!
KINDERGARTEN TEACHER PLEADS GUILTY IN MURDER FOR HIRE….Those kids must’ve been really bad!