“I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.”…..

…..A doctor asked a pregnant prostitute: “Do you know who the father is?”….the prostitute replied; “Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart?”

Grandpa: “In my day we worked 3x as hard”….Me: “In your day, soda had cocaine in it.”

GIVING A SHOUT-OUT TO AN OLD CLASSMATE

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

NIELSEN: “GIRL’S DEATH IN BORDER PATROL CUSTODY A SAD EXAMPLE OF THE DANGER’S MIGRANTS FACE”…..This spineless, uncaring, irresponsible piece of shit….Homeland Security Secretary…..Kirstjen Nielsen said,…. “The heart wrenching death of a 7-year-old Guatemalan migrant in custody of the U.S. Border Patrol last week is a very sad example of the dangers migrants face when they try to enter the U.S.”….. I guess saying something like…. “Yes, this is a sad situation, and even if people continue to cross into the U.S. illegally, we still need to treat them as human beings”….didn’t cross your puny mind huh?….the little girl died of exhaustion, dehydration, hunger and shock…..less than 48 hours after the….authorities took her….her father….and a large group of migrants who crossed over into New Mexico illegally….Kirstjen (Kirstjen with the very Nordic or Dutch name) said the incident could’ve been avoided if the family had chosen to enter the U.S. legally….that sounds nice on paper….but they’re not even allowed to do that anymore….many of the migrants living south of our border do try the legal way…..and still they’re reject, arrested or kicked to the curb…..(and not only people living south of the border)…..because of who they are….they’re saying there’s no evidence that her death was exacerbated by the conditions she was held in….and I’m sure those in charge didn’t notice the young girl was malnourished…exhausted and running a fever of 105.5….did they realize her condition and try to improve it?…..she’s one of many reasons there’s a fresh call to review the detention centers for those crossing illegally…..but that thought has died down after the outrage the Trump administration’s so-called zero tolerance policy caused….which led to children being separated from their parents….and putting them in cages…..and an incident like this gives “STUPID” a reason to continue to scream about building his wall….the money he wants for the wall…could help the people fleeing from their own countries in order to have a better life…..we don’t have a problem lining the Saudi’s pockets…..so send some south…..hey, tell you what “STUPID”…here’s an idea….why don’t you use that wall money and help the ones you swore to protect….you know, the homeless, Vets, education….put it to some good use….a Tweet I found says it all…. “She came as a stranger, but we did not welcome her; she was hungry, but we did not feed her, thirsty but we gave her no drink. We imprisoned her and left her to die. This death is on our hands – her blood cries from the ground. Those responsible must be held accountable.”

AND OFF TO THE WORLD OF THE STUPID…..

Man quits his job to wait for his “Dream girl” he made eye contact with for 10 seconds in a bookstore

A human heart for donation was left behind on a

Peter Murphy was thrown out of his own show for throwing bottles at the audience

Russia’s most advanced robot turns out to be a man in a robot suit Southwest flight

A town in Germany was flooded with chocolate after a storage tank spilled across the roads

Santa Claus shouts “Get the fuck out” at children after a fire alarm goes off