DAD: Why did I get an email from your teacher?
SON: Because we were talking about drug addiction
DAD: Ok
SON: And she said, “We should say no to drugs”
DAD: Good point….and…..
SON: So, I said….. “If you’re talking to your drugs….then it’s way too late.”
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS …….CUZ and BRO…..Apt. 410
CUZ: The news is saying Russia might attack Turkey
BRO: That’s not good
CUZ: I know because Russia is sitting above Turkey
BRO: True
CUZ: So, I was thinking….if Russia attacks Turkey from the rear….do you think Greece will help?
BRO: You did not just say that did you?
CUZ: My friend is great at selling home security systems
BRO: Really?
CUZ: Yeah….if people aren’t home…..he just leaves a brochure on their kitchen table.
CUZ: Women will always say….all I need from a man is care, attention, support and honestly….
BRO: Good idea
CUZ: Now put all the first letters together
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SISTA: I just watched a documentary on marijuana
SIS: Really?
SISTA: Yeah, I think all documentaries should be watched that way
SIS: Put….the bong….down!
SIS: What kind of husband do you think I should get?
SISTA: Why don’t you take a single man and leave the husbands alone
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
SON: I learned today in school….a blue whale’s feces can weigh as much as 4 tons
MOM: Well, I guess that makes it the second biggest piece of shit in the world….behind the people who support Lindsay Clancy
MOM: And what did you do today?
DAUGHTER: You mean in class?
MOM: Doh….
DAUGHTER: I laughed
DAD: Say what?
DAUGHTER: Yeah
SON: I’m dying to know why
MOM: Join the club
DAUGHTER: We were talking about racism, and a kid told a story about how his grandfather had treated his mom
DAD: Please tell us the story
DAUGHTER: Well, she said how her grandpa was a racist and her mom said…. “What would you do if I married a Black man?….and he said he would disown her…..long story short….she did and he did….never spoke to her again….ever….and one day he died sitting in his lounge chair while smoking a cigarette and the chair caught on fire and he burned to death…and I said to her…. “So, he died a Black man?”….and the teacher kicked me out of the class.
MOM (looking at Dad): Why are you laughing?
DAD: Because that’s funny.
MOM (on the sofa watching stupid teenagers die in a horror movie): I received an email from my best friend from med school
DAD: How is she?
MOM: Good….she’s been traveling and sent me a weird mail
DAD: What did it say?
MOM: She said she landed in Norway and the pilot announced the king of Norway died
DAD: Well, that’s sad
MOM: I know, and then she said she was on the plane when the pilot announced the queen of England passed too
DAD: Wow
SON: Mom, can you pay for her to take a trip to America?
DAD: Hon….
MOM (on the sofa with a martini): Yes?
DAD: Did you know the Republicans are now comparing our so-called president to Jesus Christ?
MOM: Well nail him up….and if he comes back in 3 days….I’ll admit I was wrong
MOM: Who was that at the door?
SON: A man asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool
MOM: Nice, so what did you do?
SON: I gave him a glass of water
DAUGHTER: You are so cool
DAUGHTER: Hi mom….you enjoy your day off?
MOM (On the sofa watching stupid teenagers being dipped in acid barrels): After spending the day cooking and cleaning….this is my first gline of wass
DAUGHTER: You sure that’s your first one?
MOM: Stud-up
DAUGHTER: Why are you sitting there looking weird….oh mutant one?
SON: I was contemplating thought
MOM (Looks at dad…..dad looks at mom):
DAUGHTER: And what was the end result?
SON: I randomly catch myself fantasizing about….what an entire roller coaster full of deaf people wound sound like
DAD (Looks at mom): We’ll blame it on a hot night and a lot of whiskey, ok?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……GRANDSON and GRANDMA…..apt. 817
GRANDSON: Now days you can’t eat produce, processed meat, fast food or drink water
GRANDMA: Alcohol is then
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: That’s the last time I donate blood
THERAPIST: Why is that?
PATIENT: Because of all the questions
THERAPIST: Such as?
PATIENT: Whose blood is it….where did you get it from….why is it in a bucket?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
PHONE CALL: Why are you standing at the window?
SUSAN: I don’t know whether to jump or close it
PHONE CALL: Just jump….I’ll close it