(Lady walks up at a bus stop): Have you found Jesus?
AMY: You guys lost him again?….seriously, you need to start using bigger nails.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……PHONE CALL and SUSAN…..Apt. 307…..
SUSAN: Remember back in 2020 when we couldn’t find any toilet paper?
PHONE CALL: Yeah.
SUSAN: Now we can’t afford it.
SUSAN: Have you noticed I haven’t been speaking to you for the last two days?
PHONE CALL: Yep.
SUSAN: So, what do you have to say to that?
PHONE CALL: Can I get two more days?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SON and DAD…..Apt. 719
SON: Off to school….any words of wisdom before I partake out the door into a familiar yet unfamiliar void?
DAD: If you’re ever feeling lonely….remember you’re never alone….there’s always bugs.
SON: You are seriously odd
DAD: Says the person who said “familiar yet unfamiliar void”…..have a great day.
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……DAUGHTER and MOM……Penthouse 1……
MOM: I thought you were dieting.
DAUGHTER: I am
MOM: You just ate three donuts
DAUGHTER: But I wanted four…..see, dieting
DAUGHTER: What did you do and why is mom mad at you?
DAD: She heard me on the phone with Uncle Steve talking about running errands
DAUGHTER: So, what did you guys do?
DAD: Well, your Unc and I went to get a used car….I went to our storage place to get a tool I use to scrape paint off furniture
DAUGHTER: And what’s wrong with that?
DAD: Well, all your mom heard was…. “You go get the Escort….I’ll get the stripper and we’ll meet up at your place.”
DAUGHTER: Yep, that’ll do it…..good luck!
DAD: Have you had dinner yet?
MOM: I had a salad
DAD: Sound healthy
MOM: Well, more like a fruit salad
DAD: Ah, ok
MOM: It was mostly grapes
DAD: You had wine for dinner, didn’t you?
MOM: Time to get up and get going….today’s bad decisions….aren’t going to make themselves
DAUGHTER: Away with thee.
MOM: Ok, explain to me why your teacher called me today?
DAUGHTER: Because she said we wouldn’t be celebrating Black History Month this year
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: So, one of my classmates asked….. “If we’re not going to learn Black history….what will we learn”
MOM: And?
DAUGHTER: So, I told him we’ll learn racial profiling, discrimination and deportation and then she screamed “GET OUT!”
MOM (Says to herself): That’s my girl
MOM: Would like to have children one day?
DAUGHTER: Hum……okay, but on longer than that.
MOM: Ah,….ok,…..I could definitely agree with that.
DAUGHTER: What?
MOM: Had your turn…..shut up…..and you….Yoda’s cousin?”
SON: Only if it came with a GPS system
(Mom and Daughter):….WHAT???
SON:….Yeah….I want it to not only guide me to my destination….but also remind me why I’m going there
MOM (says to Daughter):…..What is that?
DAUGHTER: Seriously?….Really?…..you’re asking me that question?
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……SIS and SISTA…..Apt…..555
SIS: You alright?
SISTA: Hell no
SIS: What?
SISTA: I went to my doctor for a check-up and had to give blood
SIS: Ah, ok
SISTA: Have you ever noticed how some nurses will spend 20 minutes looking for a blood vein…..while a mosquito can locate that bitch….within 5 seconds in the dark while humming a tune?
SIS: Why are you still awake?
SISTA: I can’t sleep….but I want you to know why there is a “U” in four, fourteen, twenty-four, and thirty-four….but there’s no “U” in forty.
SIS: Goodnight
MY NEW NEIGHBORHOOD FRIENDS……THE THERAPIST….6th floor office…..Rm. 666
PATIENT: I went to the doctor with a suspicious looking mole
THERAPIST: What did he say?
PATIENT: He told me they all look like that……and told me to put it back in the garden
THERAPIST: So, have you started dating again?
PATIENT: Yeah, but my last one….I don’t think there will be a second
THERAPIST: Why not?
PATIENT: Well, I took her to a nice restaurant and she asked;…. “So, what do you do?”
THERAPIST: And?
PATIENT: I told her;… Well, you read the menu, say what you want and they’ll bring out food.