THE STANDARD….American diet gives you standard American diseases….which puts you on standard American drugs

I PUT YOU….in a win-win situation…..and you still lost

TO EVERYONE…..who watches my life…..and gossips about it….don’t give up….season 3 is about to come out

I MAY LOOK NORMAL….but I meow at cats

IN THE EVENT….of a tornado….put some weiners in your pockets…..that way the dogs will find you first

I LOVE BOARD GAMES….especially the ones….where you arrange cheese and meat and crackers and grapes and then eat it….I’m so good at that one

THE ONE REASON….why America never learns from its history….is because….America never teaches its real history

LORD….when you bless me…please don’t forget my family and friends….I’d like us all to win

I’M AT A STAGE….in my life where I avoid arguments….even if you tell me that an elephant can fly….you’re absolutely right

REAL FRIENDS….never leave you when you’re pregnant….they get upgraded to “Auntie”

DURING LABOR….the pain is so great….a woman can almost imagine….what a man feels like….when he has a fever

MY WIFE AND I….have the cutest nicknames for each other….she’s my buttercup….and I’m her useless sack of shit

I’M GOING…to start telling people to “land your plane”….when they’re talking in circles

THE PROBLEM…with political jokes….is that they get elected

WHEN I’M BEHIND A SLOW CAR….I steer a little to the right….so the one behind me can see it isn’t my fault

FINDING OUT…your woman throws hands like a man….is the worst gender reveal

THE NEW AMERICAN DREAM….is watching Musk go bankrupt….broke….and get deported

WASHING YOUR FACE….and water going down your elbow….is so sickening

SOMETIMES….I wanna reciprocate people’s disrespect….but then I look at their lifestyle….and how life treats them….and that is enough punishment

I LOVE THE PHRASE…. “Bear with me”….because it either means…. “Be patient”….or…. “The zoo heist was a success”

I’M IN A GOOD PLACE RIGHT NOW….not emotionally….but this bar has good drink specials

FIND A MAN….who strokes your hair…and tells you how soft it is….and doesn’t even care….that it’s on your legs

NEVER USE GPS….when going to a cemetery….it’s not nice to hear… “You’ve reached your destination”

ONCE YOU UNDERSTAND….why pizza is round….packed in a square box….eaten as a triangle….then you will understand women

I’M STILL STRUGGLING….to understand how over 77 million American people….willingly signed up for….another voyage on the Titanic

BABY CHANGING STATIONS….are the biggest hoax…..the parents always come out with the same kid

MAYBE…I’m the problem….nah….that don’t even sound right

EXCUSE ME…but you’re not allowed to miss me…if you’re the reason….why we don’t talk anymore

I LOVE HEARING…..rumors about me….you guys are so creative

AND MY FAVORITE….

OUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE….is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere….placed on a shelf in an alien child’s room….as a science fair project….that got a F-