CLEAN YOUR HOUSE FOR 2 HOURS…..watch the humans you created destroy it within 10 minutes….repeat for 20 years….this is parenthood
I MISS THE DAYS….when the scariest thing on TV….was The Twilight Zone….and not the “Evening News”
PEOPLE…who tailgate me….don’t realize how little I have to lose
FORGET SLEEPING LIKE A BABY….I want to sleep like the nap….you have during a colonoscopy
EVERY TIME….I hear the dirty word “EXERCISE”….I wash my mouth out with chocolate
IN HIGH SCHOOL…..I was so excited to be a senior….I’m not so excited now
PEOPLE WITH SIBLINGS….have better survival skills….because they’ve had experience…..in physical combat, psychological warfare…..and sensing suspicious activity
I DON’T USUALLY…like to brag about my expensive trips…..but I just got home from the grocery store….with a dozen eggs
CIGARETTES AND ALCOHOL…..have warning labels…..because they are addictive, dangerous and destroy lives…..and yet women are just allowed to roam freely
THE HUMAN BODY…..is 80% water….so we are basically just cucumbers…..with anxiety issues
I DON’T THINK PEOPLE….understand how stressful it is…..to explain what’s going on in your head….when you don’t even understand it yourself
JUST SAW….three ladies my age jogging…..and it motivated me to…..get up and shut the blinds
WHEN YOU THINK….there’s no hope left….just remember the lobsters…..in the tank at the Titanic’s restaurant
THE POLICE AND SWAT TEAMS….are providing security for Tesla dealerships nationwide….if only schools received the same level of protection
MY BOSS…..said to me….in order to focus….I should leave my problems at the door….now he’s pissed off at me…..because he’s locked outside
MY CONSPIRACY THEORY….is that some people at work are addicted to setting up meetings…..because no one listens to them at home…..and they don’t know how to start a podcast
I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW…..that if you ever need to have a plant killed….I’m the person for the job
DAMMIT….I wished one of my personalities liked to clean
BELIEVING…..that a small group of billionaires….are suddenly working tirelessly for the benefit of the working class….really does require a spectacular level of stupid
IF FOOD….is available on Mars….I’m ready to move and hang out with aliens…..I’m done with humans
I’VE MADE SOME….bad choices in life….but I never bought a pair of crocs
I HATE.…getting up at stupid o’ clock in the morning
FACEBOOK….really needs to add a….I smell bullshit button
WHAT’S WORSE….than Friday the 13th……Monday the anything
I HEARD SOMEONE SAY….Unfortunately some people were not put here to evolve….they are here to remind you….what it looks like if you don’t
I WAS READING….about atheism….it turns out it’s a non-prophet organization
A MAN WHO COOKS….is attractive….a man who does the dishes….is irresistible
AND MY FAVORITE…..
WE ALL CLAIM…..to want peace….but peace is not a noun….it’s a verb…..which is why we cannot get it…..one must live it….peace cannot be imposed…..only embodied….one cannot sell it….but one can reach it….bout only by example