PEOPLE ARE LIKE…. “You have to give them the benefit of the doubt!”…..and I’m like…. “No, I fucking don’t!”
JUST IMAGINE….serving your husband a plate at a wedding reception….and another lady walks up to you and says…. “He doesn’t like too much salad.”
ONE DAY…..you’re young and fun….then suddenly….your left blinker’s been on for three miles
DO NOT RAISE YOUR DAUGHTERS TO LOOK FOR A KNIGHT…..raise her to use the sword herself
JUST FIGURED OUT….that ghosts are people…..who died trying to fold a fitted sheet
THE NEXT TIME…you “break wind” in public….say, “Do I smell popcorn?”….then watch everyone take a deep breath
I WANT TO GROW-UP…..before I die
SIMPLE RULE IN LIFE:….If you don’t like it done to you….don’t do it to others
A MANDATE…..isn’t a law….it’s when two men go to dinner
WHEN I WAS YOUNGER…..not fitting in felt like a flaw….now it feels like freedom
MAN I LOVE ONLINE CHURCH….you can drink Henny in there….take your time Passa
A SMILE….can mean a thousand words…..but it can also hide a thousand problems
I’VE NEVER SEEN….anyone jogging and smiling….so that’s all I need to know
WE’LL BE TURNING OUR CLOCKS BACK SOON….gaining an extra hour in 2021….is like getting a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album
I DON’T….tolerate liars….I’m a nice person…..not a stupid one
ADDICTION IS…..giving up everything for one thing….recovery is….giving up one thing for everything
NOT ALL RELATIONSHIPS….will lead to marriage….some will help your discover new restaurants
ME:….It’s not about how many times you fall….it’s about how many times you get back up
COP:….That’s not how field sobriety tests work
REPEAT AFTER ME….I’m allowed to do what’s best for me….even if it upsets other people
IF STANDING UP FOR YOURSELF…..burns bridges….I have matches….we ride at dawn
I LOVE THOSE DAYS….when my only decision is….window or aisle
ONCE I CARE….I don’t leave…..once I leave…..I don’t care
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU….but I’ve thought about running away more as an adult…..than I ever did as a kid
YOU NEED….to leave heavy things behind you….so you can carry better things forward
UMMMMM…..GIRLS WITH GLASSES….are just so fine…. “Come on over here girl”…. “NO, OVER HERE!”
THERE ARE TWO WAYS TO BE FOOLED…..one is to believe what is not true…..the other is to refuse to accept what is true
DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD….and saw my ex….it’s funny how “I’d hit that”…..changes meaning over time
I ENJOY….a glass of wine each night for its health benefits….the other glasses are for….my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves
POLITICIANS HAVE QUOTED THE BIBLE VERSES…..except the one where Zacchaeus….returned to the poor….half of his goods.
TEACHER:….Who is your hero?
KID:….Dad
TEACHER:….Why do you consider him your hero?
KID:…..He is brave
TEACHER:…..Is there anything your hero is afraid of?
KID:….Mom
WAIT!….y’all firing medical professionals….who don’t trust the medicine?
DON’T EVEN TRY TO PLAY WITH ME….you won’t like it when it’s my turn
NOT ONLY DID I FALL OFF….the diet wagon….I dragged it into the woods….set it on fire…..and used the insurance money….to buy cupcakes
THE IDEAL SUBJECT OF TOTALITARIANISM IS…..people for whom the distinction between fact and fiction, true and false….no longer exists
SOMETIMES….what really didn’t work out for you….really worked out for you
GO TO HEAVEN….for the climate….go to Hell for the company
PEOPLE ASK ME…. “Why is it so hard to trust people?”…..the real question is…. “Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth?”
I GREW UP WATCHING MY PARENTS….handle any obstacle life threw at them….I’m sure they cried themselves to sleep many times….but they still got up and did an amazing job raising us…..I could never be weak…..because I learned from the best
STAY AWAY….from people who think you’re arguing…..every time you try to explain yourself
THE BEST REVENGE….is not to be like your enemy
AND MY FAVORITE…..(A boss texting an employee)
BOSS:…..Hey Brandon, we’re short staffed for the rest of this year because Sarah just quit without warning…..we’re really backed up so I’m going to need you to come in during thanksgiving this year…..don’t be shocked if you have to come in during Christmas eve too.
BRANDON:…..I already told you 3 weeks ago I need that week off and you agreed…..now you’re changing your mind?….I will not be working thanksgiving and if you ask again….I will not be working for you at all anymore
BOSS:…..We’ve had to set expectations with you multiple times this year….coming in is the least you can do….your pto request had been denied….I’m not asking you to come in….I’m telling you that you have to
BRANDON:…..And I’m telling you that you’ll have no worker at all……I quit!