IF MY BODY WAS A CAR…..I’d trade it in for a newer model….cuz every time I cough or sneeze….my radiator leaks….and my exhaust backfires

WE LIVE…..in a society where people use a $1,000 phone…..to check their food stamp balance

IF YOU ALREADY KNOW….I have an attitude problem….why would you upset me?

REMEMBER….unless your turkey is applying for a passport….you don’t need to take a photo….of it on Thanksgiving

HAS ANYONE EVER NOTICED…..when asked, “What single item would you take with you to a deserted island”….no one ever says…. “A boat?”

I MISS THE OLD DAYS….when billionaires vanity projects were to….build public libraries….museums…..and music venues

THIS YEAR…..instead of worrying about what’s under the tree…..just be grateful….for who’s still here to be around it

I CALLED ANIMAL CONTROL….about a raccoon sitting in my tree…..they said it was probably a mom….trying to get some time away from her babies…..and that’s normal…..now excuse me while I make some margaritas….and hang out with my new bestie

SHOUT OUT….to people who rate & review things…..cause I don’t like to rate & review things….but I like to know how things are rated & reviewed

REMEMBER TO…..bring up politics during Thanksgiving…..to save money on Christmas gifts

IF CIVIL WAR BREAKS OUT…..meet me at the library….they don’t know where it is

I WAVED AT A MAN…..because I thought he waved at me….apparently, he waved at another woman….so to get out of the awkward situation…..I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over….and drove me to the airport….I am now in Poland starting a new life

THE FACT THAT…..Keith Richards has lived longer than Richard Simmons…..really has me questioning…..this healthy eating thing

MY TOXIC TRAIT:…..I’ll wake up on time….but lay in bed until I’m late

ONE DAY…..you’re young and careless…and the next….you have a favorite pharmacy

I HATE….when couples argue in public….and I missed the beginning….and don’t know whose side I’m on

YOU CANNOT….pray for righteousness and holiness….and vote for wickedness and evil

I GOT 3 RULES….don’t lie to me…..don’t use me….and if you’re tired of me….leave me alone

BEING FINANCIALLY COMFORTABLE….is enough for me….I don’t have to be the richest….I just want to always be able to eat what I want….go where I want….pay my bills on time…..and live a good life

LIKE I SAID BEFORE….go ahead and put up the Christmas tree….nothing makes sense anyways

I PAID ALL MY BILLS….does anyone have any good recipes for water?

I WAS SO UPSET…..this morning….when my wife told me my 9 year old son….wasn’t actually mine…she said I need to pay more attention….at the school pick-up

I’M NOT CLEARING RUMORS….I probably did do it…..and if not…..I might

AND MY FAVORITE

AS FAR AS THIS ELECTION GOES…..I knew a lot of men hated women…..but I didn’t realize…..how many women….hated women