DID IT ALONE…..did it broke….did it tired…..did it scared….still doing it

TO THE TWENTY SOMETHING….year-old girls…..who think fifty something…..year-old women are jealous of them…..enjoy your next 240 periods

I WOULD RATHER….adjust my life to your absence….than adjust my boundaries….to accommodate….your disrespect

MY EX:….I still love you

ME:…..I’m gonna have to call you back….that damn dog is frying chicken….and the baby is selling cigarettes

YOU CAN’T HAVE….a nationwide labor shortage….and claim immigrants are stealing jobs at the same time

THE LESS YOU REVEAL….the more people can wonder

I CAN TAKE A JOKE….I can’t take disrespect disguised as a joke…..there’s a difference

SOME PEOPLE….aren’t just missing a screw….the whole toolbox is gone

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS…..give them back….and ask for margaritas

MUSIC…..because life would suck without it

I’VE OFTEN SAID…. “I’m sorry”….when I should have said…. “Fuck You”….and moved on

PHYSICALLY I’M HERE….mentally…..I’m in a pool in Bali….ordering my third mojito

FORGIVE YOURSELF….for not knowing what you don’t know….before you know it (Maya Angelou)

COP:….You were going too fast

ME:….I was just trying to keep up with the traffic

COP:….There isn’t any

ME:….I know….that’s how far behind I am

UNCLES….are not totally useless….we can be used as bad examples

CANCEL CULTURE….is not what Jon Gruden did to himself…..Cancel Culture….is what the ENTIRE NFL OWNERSHIP….did to Colin Kaepernick

WHEN I READ ABOUT THE EVILS OF DRINKING….I gave up reading

I’M TERRIBLY SORRY….if you don’t like my harsh honesty….but I don’t like your…..sugar-coated bullshit either

I DON’T KNOW WHO NEEDS TO HEAR THIS….but there are three branches of the government…..and your bible is not one of them

YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME….where you left me….I refuse to standstill….when growth is always an option

HAS IT OCCURED TO YOU….that just maybe….the need or desire to own an assault weapon…..is in itself….a symptom of mental illness?

SOME PEOPLE….remind me of a penny….two-faced and not worth much

I’M SO GLAD…..you exist

NBA ANTI-VAXXERS….getting support from people who were just telling them to…. “Shut up and dribble”….a few months ago…..this is rich

IF YOU DON’T KNOW….the entire truth….then shut your entire mouth

ALL I DID WAS….get up to use the restroom…..and I’m still up….now I see why kids pee in the bed

THE FLAT EARTH SOCIETY…..has members around the globe

I’M NOT MEDICATING….myself with wine….the guy at the wine store wrote me a prescription…..well, he called it a receipt…..whatever

THE BEST LESSON YOU CAN LEARN IN LIFE….is to master how to remain calm

I HATE IT…..when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart…..when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings

AND MY FAVORITE…..

I REAR-ENDED A CAR THIS MORNING…..so, there we were alongside the road….and slowly the other driver got out of his car…..you know how sometimes you just seem soooo stressed….and the little things just seem funny….yeah, well I couldn’t believe it….he was a “DWARF!!!”….he stormed over to my car…..looked up to me and shouted…. “I’M NOT HAPPY!”…so, I looked down at him and said…. “Well, then which one are you?”…..and that’s how the fight started…..and before I go….know this……

ADMIRAL GENE LAROCQUE…..I hate when they say…. “He gave his life for his country”…..nobody gives their life for anything…..we steal the lives of these kids….we take it away from them…..they don’t die for the honor and glory of their country…..WE KILL THEM!