MY SISTER…..took a drug test for her job…..they pulled the hair from her wig…..she starts on Monday
1994…..was the worst year in music…..Kurt Cobain died….and Justin Bieber was born
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE….so make sure you spend 15 hours a day on the internet….seeking validation from strangers
FOR ME PERSONALLY……the most painful aspect of his rise (Trump)…..has been the damage it has caused to my faith in my fellow Americans…..I do not understand…..how a person can watch what he says and does……and still believe he belongs in the Oval Office
I WOULD LIKE….a December with Christmas lights off….and people’s lights on
LAZY FACT #454846642……you were too lazy to read the number
STOP TRYING….to please people who don’t like you….instead….embrace the idea of being….the most annoying person in their lives
NEVER PUT OFF….till tomorrow….what you can just ignore indefinitely
HAVE YOU EVER….met someone…..looked at them and thought….. “I bet your parents changed the subject…..when people asked about you”
BEING THE FAMILY WITCH…..is a difficult job…..but someone’s got to take one for the team
IF YOU’RE AFRAID…..that books might change someone’s thinking……you’re not afraid of books……you’re afraid of thinking
I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE…..today and the cashier said my total was….$208.47….I wanted a second opinion….so I went to self-checkout….and my new total was…..$43.20
SOMETIMES…..the amount of self-control….it takes to not say what’s on your mind is so immense…..I need a nap afterwards
MERRY CHRISTMAS…..rejoice in the birth of a Brown-skinned…..Middle Eastern…..undocumented immigrant
I CAME…..I saw…..I made it awkward
PLEASE DO NOT EAT IN THE LIBRARY…..the ants will get in….learn to read….and get too smart…..knowledge is a great power…..but power corrupts…..so they’ll turn evil and take over the world….do your part to save us from evil ant apocalypse
Y’ALL….are waaaay too old….to not know that washing the dishes….ALSO….includes washing the sink, countertops….AND….the damn stove
TURNS OUT….you can just buy a birthday cake anytime…..and eat it yourself….nobody checks.
PEOPLE BE LIKE…. “I love your energy”…..and then drain it
THAT SUSHI…..from Walmart….got my stomach sounding like a HBCU marching band
AS YOU EVOLVE…..you will make a lot of people uncomfortable…..evolve anyway
AND MY FAVORITE…..
IT’S OK….to say “I don’t know”…..there is no shame in that….the only shame is to pretend that we know everything….illusion of knowledge is more dangerous than ignorance