CROCODILES…..are easy….they try to kill you and eat you….people are harder….sometimes they pretend to be your friend first

MY PROBLEM IS….I always think I can get ready in 15 minutes….when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t

I CAN HANDLE…..most things in life.….but hearing people eat with their mouths open….is not one of them

PEOPLE GET MAD….at funerals because their name ain’t on the program…..just be glad you ain’t on the cover

STUDENTS….don’t have to worry about using a secret code….with their spelling…..the messages are sufficiently encrypted

WANT TO BE GREEN?…..shut off your phones….your air conditioning…..and go plant next year’s dinner

ALWAYS REMEMBER…..life feels much better…..after a big crap

IT’S BETTER…..to be an old fart…..than a young shithead

WHAT DO WE LEARN….from hippopotamus?…..that’s it’s impossible to reduce weight….by eating greens, and salads…..and walking

WHEN….Hip Hop was positive they banned it….it is now toxic….and they support it and push it

IF YOU DON’T…..practice what you preach….keep your sermon to yourself

IT IS ONLY….when a mosquito lands on your balls…..that you will realize….there is a way to solve problems…..without using violence

I HATE AUTOCORRECT…..it always make me say things….I didn’t Nintendo

I WISH FACEBOOK….would notify me when someone unfriends me….so I could like it

I JUST LEARNED TODAY…..that  Cardi B’s real name is Belcalis Alanzar…..I said that out loud….and my furniture started floating

I CONFESS….I keep some people’s numbers in my phone…..just so I know….not to answer when they call

WE ARE LIKE BOOKS…..most people only see our cover…..the minority read only the introduction…..many people believe the critics….few will know our content

DO YOU EVER JUST FORGET….to hide your expression for a minute…..and then you’re like….woah, I did not mean to make that face out loud

I CAN’T BELIEVE….I went to college for 4 years….to basically just become a professional emailer

IF WE’RE NOT MEANT…..to have a midnight snack….why is there a light in the fridge?

WHY IS IT….so much easier to fall asleep on the couch unintentionally…..then to fall asleep in the bed intentionally?

STOP HATING MONDAY’S….be a professional….and hate the whole week

THE WAY ADELE….works for 6 months….and then disappears for 7 years….is very much the work/life balance I’m all about

IF YOUR KID…..is bullying my kid….and my kid has tried to tell your kid to stop….and you’re kid doesn’t….my kid has been instructed to punch your kid in the face

SOMETIMES…..trying to prove yourself….is an insult

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND…..how millions of so-called Christians…..blindly follow…..the most un-Christlike person in the world

WHEN I SAY…. “I’ll figure it out”…..I mean I’ll just adapt to whatever…..new level of hell that’s coming

JUSTICE….would be New York seizing Trump Tower….and using it to house asylum seekers

WHEN I DIE…..everyone must sleep at the graveyard…..y’all can’t leave me alone…..the first night with people I don’t know

AND MY FAVORITE…..

WHEN IT COMES TO THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE….you gotta love the audacity to go to London…..and sing the national anthem….that’s literally about beating them…..in a war before our game….with a name we stole from a different sport they invented