AMERICA…..will never correct its mistakes…..if teachers are not allowed to teach about them

FACEBOOK…..keeps notifying me about people’s birthdays…..like I bake cakes or something

IF I END UP BEING WRONG…..about my atheistic beliefs…..and I am standing in front of God after I die…..well, then only one of us will have to beg for forgiveness…..and it is not going to be me

I MAY NOT SAY MUCH…..but I notice everything

WE ARE LIVING…..in a day….when people are proud of…..what they should be ashamed of

I HATE IT WHEN…..TV shows say they contain “adult situations”…..but they don’t show anyone…..going to work……paying their bills…..or cleaning up after their kids

TRAVEL…..as much as you can…..for as long as you can….life isn’t meant to be lived…..in one place

UNATTENDED CHILDREN…..will be given a RedBull…..and taught how to swear…..(sign in a restaurant)

I WANT…..to grow my own food…..but I can’t find bacon seeds

YOU KNOW IT’S GOING TO BE…..a bad day…..when your imaginary friend…..files a restraining order on you

YOUR RELIGION……does not prohibit me from anything……it prohibits you……from learn the difference

I STARTED TO GO TO THE GYM…..this morning……and I couldn’t find my membership card…..and a new one cost $10…..a donut and coffee cost $3……guess who saved $7?

IF YOU LIVE TO BE 100…..you should make up some weird reason why…..just to screw with people…..like claim you ate pinecones every day or something

WHEN MY MONEY IS LOW…..I don’t feel good…..I think I’m a dollarbetic

I HATE…..when Walmart doesn’t have what I need……and I have to go home…..change out of my pajamas……and take a shower……so I can go to Target

PRO TIP: Fill the piñata with ketchup…..and you’ll never have to host a children’s birthday party again

DON’T TRUST PEOPLE…..whose feelings change with time…..trust people whose feelings…..remain the same…..even when the time changes

ONE BIG DIFFERENCE…..between men and women….is that if a woman says….. “Smell this”……it usually smells nice

AAAHHHH…..the soothing sounds of Legos….being dumped all over the floor…..said no mother ever

I HAVE….a smart phone…..smart TV…..smart fridge…..and a smart thermostat…..and I’m essentially…..the dumbest thing in my house

I HAVE TRIED REALITY…..and I would like a refund

I KNOW WE GEN-X’ERS……talk a lot of crap……but you have to admit…..our sneering distrust of everything……turned out to be 100% correct

IT’S IMPORTANT……to get out of the house every once in a while…..to remind yourself…..why you don’t go out

THE…..worst part about parallel parking…..is the witness

EVERY WOMAN IS A DOLL…..now whether it is Barbie…..Annabelle….or voodoo…..is a roll of the dice

I ALWAYS……double check our garage door at night…..I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff……we’ve been trying to get rid of for years

STOP LOOKING AT THE CLOCK……if you want a glass of champagne…..have a glass of champagne

AND MY FAVORITE……

A TRUCK LOADED…..with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load…..witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, bewildered, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, mixed up, surprised awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless and perplexed…..meanwhile, those waiting for the shipment…..were at a loss for words.