WHAT SCARES ME THE MOST….is not the fact that our media…..is lying to us….it’s the fact…..that most of you believe them
MY DUCKS…..are absolutely not in a row….I don’t even know where some of them are…..and I’m pretty sure….one of them is a pigeon
A BODY OF MEN….holding themselves accountable to nobody…..ought not to be trusted by anybody
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BURN BOOKS…..to destroy a culture….just get people to stop reading them
THE BEST REVENGE…..is none…..heal…..move on…..and don’t become like those who hurt you
IN THE END…..it all comes down to this….there’s never as much time…..as you think
I WONDER…..if people look both ways…..before getting on my fucking nerves
I LOVE WHEN MY KIDS SIGH…..like,…..what ails you now…..my little unemployed freeloader?
DEAR VEGANS….if you are trying to save the animals……stop eating their food
(SIGN ON A FENCE)……Please do not enter the dangerous area beyond this gate…..you quite possibly will get hurt…..then you will sue…..then a protracted court battle will ensue…..exhausting your financial resources…..and you will lose….because this sign that warned you will be….. “Exhibit 1”
THERE ARE…..approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language….but I could never string enough words together…..to properly express…..how much I want to hit someone with a chair
DRUNK….is when someone feels sophisticated…..but can’t pronounce it
AS A CHILD…..my family meal time menu consisted of two choices…..take it….or leave it
TODAY…..I worked from home….ran 10 miles….homeschooled my kids…..cleaned the house….made a delicious dinner and got my kids to bed early…..it’s amazing what you can accomplish…..when you lie
I COULDN’T DECIDE…..if I wanted bangs or not….so I cut bangs for my daughter…..and she looks awful….dodged a bullet there
THEY SAY…..what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger….at this point…..I should be able to bench-press a Buick
I’M NOT GOING TO WORRY…..about drag queens….unless I see one with an assault rifle
I LOVE LITTLE KIDS…..that share too much information…..today a girl came in with her mom to order food…..and I told her I like her dress…..she said,….. “Thanks, my mom stole it from Target”
EYE DROPS….are technically…..blinker fluid
SANTA HAS THE RIGHT IDEA…..only visit people once a year
MOTHER NATURE…..is throwing out temperatures like Powerball numbers….86 42 66 53 12
AND MY FAVORITE……
Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day…..as the walk, they come across a sign….. “Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the World”…… “I’m entering” says Snow White…..after half an hour she comes out and they ask her….. “How did you do?”….. “First place” says Snow White…..they continue walking and they see a sign….. “Contest for the strongest man in the world”…… “I’m entering”…..says Superman…..after half an hour he returns and they ask him….. “How did you make out?”….. “First place,” answers Superman….. “Did you ever doubt?”…..they continue walking when they see a sign…. “Contest for the greatest liar”….Pinocchio says, “This is mine”…..half an hour later….he returns with tears in his eyes….. “What happened?”…..they ask….Pinocchio says…. “Who the fuck is Donald Trump?”