SOMETIMES…..I wish I was a load of laundry in my dryer…..so I could sit in a dark…..quite space…..and everyone would ignore me for a least a week
IF I MAKE A MISTAKE…..on a project…..sometimes it has to go into the “time-out bin”…..until I’m no longer angry at it…..and can go back to it
DID YOU KNOW…..(And I swear I’m going to ask my friends in England…..if this is true)….In the 90’s…..Arsenal Soccer Club had a player called Dicks……when he was injured…..the newspaper wrote….. “Arsenal to play without Dicks”……the coach was so upset….so the newspaper changed the headline to….. “Arsenal to play with Dicks out”…..a record number of women attended the match
I’M FROM TEXAS…..And I found out within the past few years…..that the Texas Revolution…..was mainly due to Mexico outlawing slavery……and Texas not wanting to do that……so everyone at the Alamo……essentially died to preserve slavery…..yay!
AN IRISHMAN WALKED INTO A BAR…..in downtown Toronto and ordered a drink…..noticing his accent…..the bartender asked him…. “What brings you to Canada?”…..the Irishman replies….. “I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said…. “Drink Canada Dry”…..and I thought…..I’ll give it a go”
TO….everything I’ve ever lost…..thank you for setting me free
I’M SKIPPING THE GYM…..again today because I already have a six pack…..it’s in the fridge
WELL, TODAY…..my neighbors spoke to me…..so I did what I had to do……I strapped on an ankle monitor…..went outside with my shirt on inside out…..and argued with a pine tree…..that should hold them off for awhile
THOUGHTS & PRAYERS…..how about……POLICY & CHANGE
I LIVE WITH THE CONSTANT FEAR…..that someone will ask my opinion……when I was just faking…..that I was paying attention
TEACH YA KIDS….it’s ok to be a nerd….vs a gangsta…honor roll……is better than death row
IF THE TRUTH…..shall kill them…..let them die
IN SPIDER-MAN (2002)…..Peter has a radioactive spider bite the size of a golf ball……but instead of going to a doctor….he decides to sleep it off…..this is because Peter…..lives in America
TEACHER: Can someone give me an example of something useless?
ME: (Raising my hand)
TEACHER: Very good…..anything else?
ALWAYS REMEMBER…..life is easier in 2023…..for a boy named Sue…..than it was in 1969
“A LOT….of people say that it’s a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear…..rubbish….I know thousands of words…..but I still prefer F….!” (Billy Connolly….love this guy)
BEING AN ADULT….is putting the $5.86 meat back…..because you found the $5.13 meat
AUSTRALIA….A beautiful place to be killed…..by something venomous
I DON’T KNOW…..the secret to happiness….but I’ll tell you what…..I’ve never been sad in a library
EACH…..human being….is a multiplicity of miracles
FIREARMS…..are the #1 cause of death for children in the U.S…….not books…..African American history…..LGBTQIA+ rights……healthcare…..CRT….or drag queens
AN EVIL MAN…..will burn his own nation to the ground…..to rule over the ashes
A WOMAN……puts an ad in the paper saying;…. “HUSBAND WANTED”…..the next day she received……a hundred letters…..all saying the same thing…… “YOU CAN HAVE MINE!”
UNTIL…..you work in food or retail…..you have no clue the level of dumb……that exists in the world
IT’S A SAD DAY….when New Zealand, Canada, Australia, United Kingdom and Uruguay…..issue travel warnings to the U.S……because of mass shootings
IT’S BETTER…..to have your nose in a book….than in someone’s business
I DECIDED….to make sure my wife woke up with a smile on her face…..I can’t have Sharpies in the house anymore
AND MY FAVORITE……
AN ANTELOPE WAS RUNNING…..like mad….an Elephant asked him;….. “Antelope, why are you running like that?”…..she replied,….. “The police are arresting all the Goats in the village.”…..the Elephant retorted,….. “But you are not a goat.”…..the Antelope replied,…. “With our current justice system…..it will take me 20 years…..to prove that I am not a goat.”…..and the Elephant also started running.