HUSBAND: Whenever I get mad at you….you never seem to get upset…..how do you manage your temper?
WIFE: I clean the toilet
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush
NOBODY MATTERS……it’s only important how you feel about yourself….and how Keanu Reeves feels about you…..if he met you
EVEN WITH AN IQ OF 140…..I cannot understand the point of soccer…..I once asked my Swedish roommate…..why he was watching people kick that spherical polyhedron into the big rectangular parallelepiped?……safe to say, he was speechless
ONE HALF…..of me reckons I could write a book about my life…..even at the young age I am today…..because of everything I have gone through and overcome already……the other half of me thinks…..hold on…..people like me don’t write books…..we are written about
HUSBAND: When I die, I’d like to die making love
WIFE: At least we know it’ll be quick
BOSS: Why aren’t you working?
ME: I didn’t see you coming
THE CASHIER….seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries…..until I unpacked them all and said….. “That’s how I want you to do it”
SOMEDAY….if we discover the center of the universe….many people will be disappointed…..to know it’s not them
AS YOU GET OLDER…..you will understand more and more…..that it’s not about what you look like or what you own…..it’s all about the person you’ve become
THERE ARE FRIENDS……there is family….and then there are friends….that become family
I DON’T HAVE AN ISSUE…..with what you do in the church…..but I’m going to be up in your face…..if you’re going to knock on my science classroom door and tell me they’ve got to teach what you’re teaching in your Sunday school……because that’s when we’re going to fight….. (Neil deGrasse Tyson)
I BELIEVE…..that I am physically…..emotionally…..and mentally able…..to participate in axe throwing
WOKE MOB:…..A large well informed group of people…..with basic empathy who are compassionate…..committed to dismantling injustices…..and making the world a better place for all of humankind
NOT SURE WHY…..Tennessee has an issues with guys wearing dresses…..the Klansmen have been wearing white ones….for a 150 years
THIS JUST IN…..NBC is now pulling the Wizard of OZ…..because it is offensive to people without brains
SILVERBACK GORILLA SPEAKING TO COLLEGE STUDENTS……
“So I guess what I’m trying to say is that…..as we can establish that the earth is a sphere….and thus finite….the growth in your population and artifacts must have limits…..and your lack of a social-economic system…..to recognize those limits is leading us all to disaster”
NEVER TRUST….a person who can clear their conscience of any immoral act…..by asking forgiveness…..from their imaginary friend
IF THE OWNER OF A TV NETWORK……admitted that he lied to you…..and the hosts of his shows admitted that they lied to you….and the pundits on those shows admitted that they too…..lied to you……and yet you decide to believe them anyway…..congratulations…..you are an idiot…..and an asshole
THE PERFECT DICTATORSHIP….would have the appearance of democracy…..but would basically be a prison without walls…..in which the prisoners would not even dream of escaping…..it would essentially be a system of slavery…..where through consumption and entertainment…..the slaves would love their servitude
ADULT FAIL #23……Turned on the wrong burner…..and have been cooking nothing…..for 20 minutes
AND MY FAVORITE…..
MAGA PEOPLE EXPLAINED……At some stage the human species will divide…..whilst most will continue to evolve…..a minority of those lacking the intellectual capacity of thought…..will develop as a sub-species…..being easily lead, form into packs attempting to control the majority…..they will deny biology, attempt to undo centuries of human development…..by re-writing history…..and gradually revert to their primal origins…..they will expect all to conform to their point of view without question