WE LIVE…..on such a beautiful planet…..but in such an ugly world
IF IT COMES…..let it……if it leaves…..let it
I DON’T THINK…..the therapist is supposed to say….. “Wow”…..that many times in your first session….but here we are
REAL FRIENDS…..talk shit to your face…..and say nice thing behind your back
IF SOMEONE…..kidnapped your children and sold them…..where would you want us…..to put the statue of that person?
FIRST RULE OF FAMILY GATHERINGS…..always bring your own vehicle…..so you can leave when you want to
THIS IS GOING TO BE A DAY……where my beer needs a beer
WHAT IF I TOLD YOU…..the reason they don’t teach you your rights in school…..is because it’s easier to take them away…..if you don’t even know what they are
EVERY LOVE STORY…..is beautiful…..but ours is my favorite
THE READING OF ALL GOOD BOOKS…..is like a conversation…..with the finest minds of past centuries
LOVE…..is when you sit beside someone…..doing nothing…..yet you feel perfectly happy
MY NEIGHBORHOOD BARBER…..just got arrested for selling drugs….I’ve been his customer for 6 years…..I had no idea he was a barber
BEFORE…..you fake your lifestyle on Facebook…..at least block the people…..who know you in person
YOUR CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS LISTENING…..so remember…..use profanity correctly…..and in the proper context
“I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M GROWN”……was the dumbest shit I ever said
IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY…..shut up
A CO-WORKER SAID TO ME….. “Could you be anymore annoying?”……so the next day…..I wore tap shoes to work
BACK IN MY DAY…..we didn’t have as many warning labels on things…..people weren’t so freakin’ stupid
CHRISTIANS SAY…..Jesus is the messenger…..Muslims say…..Muhammad is the messenger…..who give a shit who the messenger is…..did you get the message?
REPORTER: so, what do you do for a living?
ME: I hunt and kill aliens
REPORTER: what? Aliens don’t exist
ME: have you ever seen one?
REPORTER: no
ME: you’re welcome
IF YOU GET TIRED…..learn to rest…..not to quit
AND MY FAVORITE……
BEFORE IT WAS CALLED “SYPHILIS”……the Italians called it……the French disease…..the French called it…..the Italian disease…..the Portuguese called it……the Spanish disease…..the Russians called it……the Polish disease……the Polish called it…..the German disease……and Arabs called it…..the Christian disease