HOTEL GUEST: Hi, I’ve forgotten what room I’m in

CONCIERGE: No problem sir…..this is called the Lobby

I WENT TO THE BATHROOM…..without my phone…..just like my ancestors used to

IF YOU DON’T WANT THE TRUTH…..don’t ask me…..if you want something sugar-coated…..go eat a donut

EVE TALKING TO ADAM: The trouble didn’t start after I ate the apple….it was after I ate the mushrooms…..that’s when the snake started talking

HOW TO…..politely tell someone you hate them…… “You are the Monday of my life”

KIDS TODAY…..find out school is cancelled via text message…..me, I had to wake up at 6am…..and watch the bottom of the TV screen…..like the NBA draft

I GREW UP IN A HOUSE…..where we say “I love you”…..after a phone call….every time I walk out the door…..and every night I go to bed…..no matter what….it’s always said…..and I cherish that I’ve been raised that way

THE BEST THING…..about the good old days…..was that I wasn’t good…..and I wasn’t old

HOCKEY…..is a lot more fun to watch….if you pretend…..everyone is fighting over the last Oreo

THE OLDER I GET…..the more and more I miss people I’ve lost over the years……maybe being a tour guide……wasn’t such a good idea after all

IF YOU RAISE YOUR KIDS……you can spoil your grandkids……if you spoil your kids…..you’ll raise your grandkids

WAITRESS: Let me get this mess out of your way

ME: I already called her an Über…..but thanks anyway

I WENT TO THE PAINT STORE…..to get thinner….it didn’t work

THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE FITTED SHEETS……need to sit down with the people who make mattresses…..and get on the same page…..making the bed shouldn’t be like…..putting a swimming cap over a fridge

ONE WAY TO FIND OUT IF YOU’RE OLD……is to fall down in front of a lot of people….if they laugh…..you’re still young…..if they panic and start running to you……you’re old

AND MY FAVORITE……

BLACK MEN DESERVE TO GROW OLD!