I WAS IN FLORIDA…..and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read…. “I really miss the Bronx”….so I broke into the window, stole the radio….and left a note that said…. “I hope this helps”
MY SON’S PET DOG:….Bad grammar….poor spelling….I cannot eat this homework
YOU KNOW….who’s going through a lot right now?….everyone….just be kind
ONE OF THE PROBLEMS…..is that slavery is taught…as the history of black people….and not the history of white people
THANKS….to the people who walked into my life and made it better….and thanks to the ones….who walked out and made it amazing
DOROTHY:…..OH, I REALLY DO MISS KANSAS TOTO….and Styx, Foreigner, Aerosmith, Boston, Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin
POLICE:….(Knock, knock)
ME:….Who is it?
POLICE:….It’s the police
ME:….What do you want?
POLICE:….We just want to talk
ME:….How many of you are there?
POLICE:….Two
ME:….Then talk to each other
CUSTOMER:….The economy is going great….we created 5 million jobs this year
WORKER:…I know….I have three of them….and I still can’t pay my rent
YOU CAN’T FIX STUPID….but the hats….sure make it easy to identify
AT 27…..my Grandfather had 0 qualifications….a house, a wife, and 3 kids supported on a Sargent’s salary….at 27 I just finished postgrad, had professional qualifications and share a 2 bed flat with 2 friends….I lose 65% of my income to taxes and rent….and have 10sqft of personal space
IF YOU NEED A REASON TO UNFRIEND ME….I’m anti-Trump….anti-rebel flag….pro-choice….pro-LGBTQ….pro-mask and pro-BLM
I’M STRAIGHT UP STREET….so look both ways….before you cross me
OH WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING…..oh what a beautiful day….I’ve got a wonderful feeling….someone’s gonna fuck up my day
A STRONG WOMAN….looks a challenge dead in the eye….and gives it a wink
WORK TIP…..Stand up….stretch….take a walk….go to the airport…..get on a plane….and never return
I THINK….I better grab my dumbrella….it’s really stupid out there
THIS IS HARD TO TALK ABOUT…..but when I was a child….my parents….without my consent……took away my God given freedom to die from polio
DONALD TRUMP…is bragging that he would beat DeSantis in 2024…..which is like syphilis bragging that it’s better than gonorrhea
I DON’T CARE…..how many personalities I have….you are not about to play with none of us
FORGET THE CASTLE….and glass slippers….I want a farmhouse and a good pair of boots
PEOPLE TEND TO THINK….I will forget the shit they said….but there is no expiration date for disrespect
VAGINAS BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS WORLD…..and vaginas will vote you out
IF SOMEONE SAYS IT’S RAINING….and another person says it’s dry….it’s not your job to quote them both….your job is to look out the fucking window….and find out which is true
WHEN I GET MARRIED….I ain’t gonna do all that lying in my vows….I’m gonna be short and sweet…. “I’ll do the best I can”
AND MY FAVORITE (Thanks Nancy)….
I WENT TO PLAN PARENTHOOD AND ALL I GOT WAS….a breast exam….a pap smear….a physical exam…STD testing and treatment….information and counseling about sexual and reproductive health…..cancer screening….a pregnancy test….prenatal services….and access to affordable birth control
AND MY OTHER FAVORITE…..
MY DAD TOLD ME….his password is….MickeyMinnieGoofyDonaldPlutoHueyLouieDewey Dublin….because he was told his password had to contain 8 characters and at least one Capital