WHY AREN’T…..the TV preachers…..telling us how God is punishing Florida?……you know like when it happened to New Orleans
IF VEGETABLES ARE SO GOOD…..explain to me why Vegans..….are always trying to make them taste like meat……take your time…..I’ll wait
LOVE THOSE…..who love you…..when you have nothing to offer…..but your company
WHEN A WOMAN ASKS…..you to guess her age…..it’s like deciding whether…..to cut the blue, red or green wire.….to defuse a bomb
SHE ASKED….. “Have you got everything?”……he took her hand and said; “Now I do.”
SPANISH CONQUISTADORS:….Without us you’d still be worshipping the sun
AZTEC:…..Dude…..the sun is real
THE WIZARD OF OZ..….is 83 years old.….if Dorothy were to encounter men with no brains…..no heart..….and no courage…..she wouldn’t be in Oz……she’d be in Congress
HER BODY TENSED AND QUIVERED…..as she felt wave after wave surge through her…..I probably should’ve told her…..about the new electric fence
THE FACT THAT….Jameis Winston stealing $32.72 worth of crab legs while in college…..got 100xs more media coverage…..than Brett Farve embezzling 5 million dollars from a welfare fund…..should tell you all you need to know
MY BOSS: Your Fired
ME: (pausing Netflix) why?
I STILL MISS MY EX…..but my aim is getting better
IF I’M ANGRY…..there is still hope…..as long as there are tears…..words and concern…..there is care…..but once I become silent…..my efforts become nonexistent…..and so does your place in my life
IF TRAVELING…..was free..….you’d never see me again
BABY ELEPHANTS…..are born weighing 250 pounds……they are the biggest babies on earth…….except for the people who think…..mermaids should be white…..and…..
I AM NOT A FAN OF THE LITTLE MERMAID……but this little Black mermaid story has pissed off……some people so badly……that you just might think the little Black mermaid…..stole some classified documents…..and hid them in a broom closet…..at a beach resort
THE GUY AT THE FURNITURE STORE…..told me this sofa would seat 5 people without any problems……then it occurred to me……I don’t think I know 5 people…..without any problems
SON:…..I watched a guy do 50 pushups..….can you do that dad?
DAD:….Sure..….not to brag but I could probably…..watch someone do 100 pushups
AND MY FAVORITE…..
WHEN I WAS A BOY……my dad gave me money to go downtown…..and pay the electric bill…..but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck…..I told my dad when I got home…..and he beat my ass…..but the next morning in the driveway..….sat a brand new truck…..we all held each other and cried…..especially me…..because it was the truck from the electric company……there to turn off the lights…..dad beat my ass again