IF YOU SEE ME TALKING TO MYSELF….just move along….I’m self-employed….and we’re having a staff meeting
SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO REST…..the world can wait
SOMETIMES YOU NEED TO MAKE PEACE….with the fact….that you will never make peace
MY UNCLE:….a little bird told me you are doing drugs
ME:…you’re talking with birds and I’m the one doing drugs?
I WONDER….if people look both ways….before getting on my fucking nerves
HOW ABOUT A LAW….where if I know a guy….isn’t paying child support after 6 weeks….I can snitch on him….guy goes to jail…..and the mom gets the $10,000
I TRIED TO BEHAVE….but I got bored
FRIEND:….You smell like weed
ME:….Okayyyy….and you smell like you missed out
HONESTLY…..my biggest fear about becoming a zombie….is all the walking
THIS YEAR I WAS TESTED….more than ever….I lost a lot….but also won….I failed…..I cried…..I laughed…..I learned…..I loved….but most of all….I’m still here….I did not break
I NEVER DELETE MESSAGES….just in case a motherfucker wanna lie about July 23rd 1862
DON’T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE….we didn’t get this age by being stupid
MAY YOU NEVER FORGET….how far you have come….and the miles….it took just to get to this place
NOTE TO SELF:….just because it pops into my head….does not mean it should…..come out of my mouth
HUSBAND:…..I’m sorry dear, did you say something?
WIFE:…..That was yesterday
ONE DOES NOT HAVE TO OPERATE….with great malice to do great harm….the absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient
BEING NORMAL….isn’t my strong point
DAUGHTER:….Mom, I’m dating our neighbor
MOM;….he could be your dad
DAUGHTER:…age isn’t an issue mom
MOM:….No….I don’t think you understand me…
THERE IS NO BETTER…karate instructor…..than a spider web in your face
IF FOX NEWS….were around in the fifties….we’d still be fighting over polio
ENERGY…..introduces you before…..you even speak
I DON’T HAVE AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM..…you have a problem with my attitude….and that’s not my problem
YOU BECOME…..what you understand
BOSS:….You should’ve been here at 8
ME:….Why, what happened at 8?
I DON’T THINK PEOPLE….realize how much strength….it takes to pull one’s self….out of a mentally dark place….so if you’ve done that today or any day….I am proud of you
STOP SAYING…. “They didn’t teach us that in school”….yes they did….you were talking
SOMETIMES I KNOW I’M WRONG…but it’s just fun to argue
MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR….turned out to be…..an asshole in aluminum foil
THE BEST ANGLE…from which to approach any problem is….the TRYangle
HER:….You wanna go upstairs?
ME:…Sure
HER:….You got protection?
ME:….Why, who’s up there?
AREN’T TIME ZONES AMAZING….in Australia it’s tomorrow….in Europe it’s tonight….and in America…it’s 1942….where minorities, women and LGBTQ….are still under assault by old white men
AND MY FAVORITE;…..
DID YOU KNOW….in 1975 the women of Iceland….walked off their jobs….and homes….shutting down the entire country…..and went on strike for equal rights…..the men could barely cope….now Iceland has the world’s highest gender equality…..time to give the United States….the Iceland treatment ladies