I DON’T WALK AWAY….to teach people a lesson….I walk away….because I finally learned mine
I WATCH YOUR FACE….I stare into your eyes….I check out your body language….I peep your tone….I make note of your use of words…I hear what you don’t say….I interpret your silence….but most importantly….I trust my intuition
SOMETIMES IT’S NOT THE DEVIL….it’s the decision
VIAGRA….is government funded ($41.6 million a year)….if pregnancy is God’s will….so is a limp dick
LIFE IS TOO SHORT…..not to be Italian.
THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL….God told Noah to put two roaches on that boat
I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ME…..and manage to tell everyone else….but me
A DIRECT QUOTE ABOUT LIFE…… “UUUUUUUUUR AHHHHURRRR ULURRR AAAARHG”….Chewbacca
ART IS PAIN….life is suffering
SOME OF MY FRIENDS….exercise every day….meanwhile, I’m watching a show I don’t like….because the remote fell on the floor
REMEMBER …..that most of your stress comes from how you respond to the situation….not the situation itself….adjust your attitude….and all that extra stress is gone
NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL….get up….dress up….show up….and never give up
THE WIZARD of OZ…..transported to a surreal landscape….a young girl kills the first person she meets….then teams up with three strangers….to kill again
I’M NOT SAYING I HATE YOU….but I would unplug your life support….to charge my phone
WILL THERE BE BOUNTY HUNTING….on men who don’t start paying child support…..at the 6th week of pregnancy?
THE REASON….why the younger generation think soul food is nasty…..is because y’all grandmas are only 33-years-old
INTO THE MUSIC I GO….to lose my mind….and find my soul
I’M NOT INTERESTED…in whether you stood with the great….I’m interested in whether you sat with the broken
MY KIDS SAID THEY WANT A CAT FOR CHRISTMAS…..normally I do a turkey….but hey, if it’ll make them happy….
IF WE’RE EVER IN A SITUTION….where I am the “voice of reason”….we are in a very very bad situation
WHO KNEW…..that the hardest part of being an adult….is to figure out what to cook for dinner…..every single night…..for the rest of your life….until you die
ANOTHER WINE BOTTLE…..with no genie at the bottom….I’ll keep looking
VEGETARIAN…..an ancient word for the village idiots….who couldn’t hunt, fish or light a fire
LIFE IS TOUGH….but it’s tougher….when you’re stupid
AGE IS SOMETHING…..that doesn’t matter..…unless you are a cheese
WHY DOES THE NEED TO PEE…intensify by a million….when you are trying to….unlock the door to your house?
RACISM ISN’T A TOUCHY TOPIC…if you aren’t a fucking racist
IN A SPAN OF 11 YEARS…..115 people died in a weightlifting accident at the gym…..in the same 11 years….only one person died eating a donut…..make good choices
I COME FROM JERSEY……where “keep talking” means….you better shut the hell up
THEY SAY…..every piece of chocolate you eat…..shortens your life by 2 minutes….I did the math….seems like I died in 1543
I DON’T CARE….if you see me in my yard….if I say “I’m not home”…..I’m not home
WHAT IF…..Snow White was pretending to be asleep….so she wouldn’t have to clean up…..after little people anymore…..I totally get that
DURING THE MIDDLE AGES….they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies….does anyone know if they have anything like that planned….when this one ends?
DEAR GHOSTS…if you can move shit around….and flicker lights….then you can use a damn mop
THIS WORLD IS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE….I was in church today….and a lady lit a cigarette….I almost dropped my beer
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT….when your kid’s school…..recommends special ed for your children….and you’ve been doing their homework
BE GOOD ENOUGH…..to forgive people….but don’t be stupid enough….to trust them again
SUMMER IS NOT OVER….until September 22nd…..so sit you’re happy Halloween pumpkin spice ass down….until I finish my margaritas
LIFE IS LIKE A CAMERA…..focus on what’s important….capture the good times….develop from the negatives…..and if things don’t work out….take another shot
PASSENGERS TRAVELING FIRST-CLASS….on British Airways Boeing 747 are worried about a re-design….which means some lavatories have windows….a woman traveling to New York complained that there were no blinds….she was told by the stewardess…. “Madam, if some pervert is clinging to the side if this aircraft at 35,000 feet…..he deserves to see everything.”
AND MY FAVORITE…..(and you have no idea how many I went through….to find the right….three!…..love you Igor and Robbie…..really miss you Christian)
WHEN YOU’RE LOOKING FOR BAND MEMBERS….you aren’t necessary looking for the best players….you’re looking for the right players…..of course you want them to be good musicians….but the right chemistry is important